Ho Ho Ho the Humanity!

For all the joy and wonder that children experience at Christmas, there is one event that's pretty frightening when you're a tyke - coming face-to-face with the fat man himself. No only does this guy sneak into your house in the middle of the night, he watches you when you're asleep and when you're awake and knows if you've been bad or good. Pretty scary stuff. But he also flies through the sky - wears a bright red suit - and has a huge white beard the likes of which nobody outside of a soup kitchen has.

"Hey... what happened to all the reindeer?!"
The lack of reindeer was claus for alarm.

One of the most traumatic moments in a child's life is being dragged out to the mall to sit on Santa's lap. As bad as it is for the kids, just look at the expressions on some of these Santas' faces as they deal with terrified children -- "I'm not getting paid enough for this" as got to be going through their heads.

In stereo

Adjusting the right and left balance...

Perfect! Surround sound!

Whoa, Santa! Watch the hands!

Pleading for mercy!

I'd scream too if Santa was CRUSHING ME!

Santa, ready to jettison another screamer.

This looks like an F5 screamer.

Oh, you made Santa cry -- you're gonna pay for that come Christmas morning.

Operating the kids as if they were an accordion doesn't seem to be helping.

Going limp. Santa avoidance technique 101.

Looks like someone's getting deported.

Santa at the end of a long, weary day.

The full range of emotion from happy to sad.

If I can't be happy... then I must... strangle... Rudolph!

Okay kid... I'm gonna split you like a wishbone!

The aftermath... the kid's all cried out and Santa looks like
he's been bitch-slapped with a snow shovel.

Mmmm, yeah... this one's too creepy for words.

Must be twins.

I think he just learned to poop and scream at the same time. Santa too!

Steady... steady... it's like dealing with a case of C4 on a bumpy road.

Jeez, you'd think these kids were being murdered.

Mother and daughter comparison.

Don't be scared, it's just good ol' Cadaver Claus!

This kid just realized his parents sold him into elf-slavery.

HO HO HUMBUG!

Yeah-yeah. Been a long while since I've posted. This is a big one with lotsa' pictures (and a video!), so hold onto your pants and apples.

The holidays are over and people are back to work again, returning like weary soldiers from the front line ready to fall back into their day-to-day's. Everyone will be fondly remembering their holidays and sharing anecdotes. Each year Christmas is a big honkin' deal. It's candy-colored wonderment, packages, treats, surprises, and warm happy feelings...

Ha! And Schindler thought HE had a big list!

...and it's a a big honkin pain-in-the-ass. Christmas is my least favorite holiday for a combination of reasons. Retailers make most of their profits for the year at Christmastime so they start promoting it mid-October in order to start the buying frenzy. (Didn't work too well this year given the blight on the economy)... but people still got the "Christmas crazies", they rushed around, drove like idiots, and got pushy and rude like they do every year...

It's beginning to look a lot like Crapmas!

And then there's all the expectations. Not the expectations for a wondrous holiday, - no - the expectations and anxiety regarding, travel, presents and-- did the cards all get sent? Did the right people get "Happy Holidays" vs. "Merry Christmas" or "Joyous Season" lest someone be offended...

What?... No Happy Birthday Jesus?! Why the NERVE!

And if you are one who is offended by Happy Holidays vs. Merry Christmas or vice-versa, get over yourself, consider yourself lucky that you even GOT a card and be gracious for the goodwill you selfish bastard. And please, PLEASE if you're going to send out pictures with your Christmas/Holiday/Kwanzaa/Festivus card, don't only send pictures of your kids.

Mmm, Chris is growing up to be quite the young woman.

No offense, but I probably don't know your kids, never met them, and in some cases I never will meet them. I'm sure they're nice, brilliant, amazing little people and future felons, but I don't care. I wanna see pictures of you first and foremost. Send a picture of YOU with your kids. I don't care how fat or bald you are. Once a year YOU take the time to communicate with ME - and I do the same with you so let's see your flabby old self with your kids. A family picture is perfect. Which brings me to... the Christmas letter. DON'T! Just, don't. Unless it's brief, clever, and really witty, and for the love of crap don't make it ALL about your kids if you do decide to write one. (see previous paragraph).

I wasn't always down on Christmas. Not when I was a kid. Back then, Christmas was like winning the lottery every December 25th. What's not to like about Christmas at that age?

My first Christmas. Denver Colorado.

Maaaaahm! Stop lookin' at Dad and hand over the package!

As a wee one I LOVED Christmas. I was a first generation kid growing up on Rudolph, Frosty, the Grinch, and Charlie Brown, etc. Ah, happy times.


My absolute favorite toys as a little kid were these two items:

Wish I still had mine, these babies are worth a MINT nowadays.

Nothing spells fun like high-heat and molten plastic!
Back when toys were toys and they helped weed out the weak kids.

Since my family lived in northern Illinois we generally would have a good heavy snowfall around Christmas, so my memories of that time look like this:

The house in Geneseo where I grew up.

My street back when I was a yoot.

But as I grew up, my love of Christmas began to fade...

So long childhood! See ya' again--- never!
Don't look back...because--- I'm gonna eat Rudolph.

As an adult I grew less n' less thrilled with Christmas. Typically around Christmas became the time of year when I had break-ups with girlfriends, had gotten dumped or in a fight, had been sick, or had family members fall ill (my father frequently in later years). The stress is high, you're rushing around, dealing with travel, relatives, and overloaded with tasks for the holidays it's just all one big headache. I've learned to despise this time of year and just endure it.

Hands down my favorite holiday of all is Halloween. I love horror and autumn and candy. It's a simple holiday devoid of any overt religious overtones and just plain fun.

Be honest, do I have seeds in my teeth?

Thanksgiving is my next favorite because it's a time to get together with friends and loved ones with no pressure other than just having a wonderful meal and being together.

Okay Redcloud. You can have a taste, but then we're going
to have to insist that you and your friends leave.

Neither Halloween nor Thanksgiving are the maelstrom of emotion, stress, and pressure that is Christmas. And I like that.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not a total Grinch, however I find so much of Christmas annoying, but I'm getting better with it and learning to enjoy it more-- partly because so much of my family has passed on over the recent years, there's just myself, my mom, my brother and sister left. However, since getting married my new family has grown with Emily, her sister and her husband and well as Emily's parents. The holiday has taken on a new, more positive dynamic.

Zuzu... stop! ... choking... can't... breath... life... flashing before my eyes...

This year we got to spend time with good friends, going out for a holiday dinner...

Nothing says "Christmas" quite like a diaper right at nose level.

Emily LOVES Christmas, and I have to admit that her enthusiasm for the holiday is infectious. For the first time since I've lived in my house it was decorated beyond just an obligatory string of lights on the porch to appease the neighbors.

Deck the halls with boughs of holly, fa la la la la, my light bill's high!

We even had a little Christmas village set up inside...

Yo! HEY! I'm freezin' my chestnuts here!

We had not one, but TWO Christmas trees - one in the living room...

It's not our main tree, it's just one of our branches.

...and one in our Tiki Room.

Happy Hula Days!

With all this, I couldn't help but grudgingly start to enjoy Christmas this year.

Me and Emily, beaming with that yummy holiday glow.
It's the hat what makes it all so special.

My sister and Mom visited for the week over Christmas. While normally this would have been one of those stressful things I dread about the Holidays, it turned out to be great.

Jenny, Mom (LeJean), Emily and me.
Totally candid picture, not posed at all. We stand around like this for hours.

We had a chance to have fun and do some touristy stuff like go to Disneyland, do some sightseeing, and shoot up to Santa Barbara for some wine tasting.

My teeth are purple, but I'm not drunk... are you drunk?

Okay, now we're drunk.

There were plenty of other fun activities to fill the time, like Wii bowling with Mom...

Yes mom, every frame can be a "beer frame" if you want.

And cookie decorating...

Later we'll have nap time and a snack, now shut up and sprinkle!

Finally the big day arrived. You can't help but be a little giddy with excitement, wondering what treasures you'll find under the tree.

HO-YEAH! Christmas ain't a total loss, I got me some SCOTCH!

My sister Jenny and her new coin pooch.
I'm sure it's something she really wanted.

There were also the calls to the rest of our family members who couldn't be present. My brother Scott called from Boston just as Emily was setting up an iChat with her family in Florida, so we had two coast-to-coast visits happening at once as you can see in the short video below:

Yes, so I ended up feeling a little left out... but things were about to get better. A day or so later a package arrived from Emily's parents -- more Christmas presents! The box was late in arriving, so we had 2nd Christmas!

Oh yeah, the tree's all loaded up for a second time!

Among the great gifts sent, I received a cool hovering pen, clock, and note set!

(GASP of amazement!)

Looking back it was a great Christmas. Despite all the headaches that come with the season, and despite all my bitching about disliking Christmas, if I reach deep down I can still find that little spark of excitement that I had when I was a little one, surrounded by those who loved me.

Lyle & LeJean (my parents), me, Gladys & Powers (my mom's parents)

It's no so much a memory as it is a feeling. It's that feeling that all children get at Christmas and one that as an adult I'm happy I've found again.

Li'l Tommy Hart - 10 months old and ready for his first Christmas.