January 18, 2009

Vinyl Abominations!

In the current age of digital music and the waning days of compact discs, something that I miss with recorded music is album art. Back when you purchased a good ol' vinyl record it included a nice big cardboard sleeve for you to look over that was filled with all kinds of good stuff. Today you don't get squat with a CD and with downloads there's no love for the extras. As a kid I remember spending hours looking over the fold-out album for Star Wars while listening to the soundtrack.

This was back when "Star Wars" was still "Star Wars"... Notice there's
no "A New Hope" tacked onto this puppy, this is pure first generation!

And on the inside the album had a buncha' awesome movie stills! Bonus!

Oooo, admit it, these images still get you worked up.

There was even a Star Wars poster that came with the album! How cool was that?

Insert your own space battle SFX here.

And the back cover had a great iconic image of the inimitable Mr. Vader... this was before we discovered what a whiny little bitch Anakin really is. Thank you George Lucas so much for ruining one of the all-time great cinema villains... but I digress.

Yipeeeee! I'm in space!

Today you never get anything close to this experience with a CD or a music download. But as great as a lot of old record covers where--- there are millions more that are awful. Really retched ones. Cover concepts that are so bad they're hilarious, and the more unintentional their badness the better.

Below are several album covers of distinction that I found at various secondhand stores, as well as on the Internet (a few that you've probably already seen). Either way, enjoy...

Dick Chaney's post VP gig. He's clearly mad. It says so.

I'm betting everyone makes this face when they hear this album.

I dunno what to make of the album below, I think the turban and feather says it all.

The album below is great on so many levels.

¡Ay caramba! ¡Hay bolas en mi trompeta!

If the group below was actually south of the border having a picnic and gorging themselves on chicken, they would be minutes from being robbed, raped, kidnapped and having their children stolen. Tijuana is no picnic. Just ask the Colonel, "Life Tastes Better with KFC"... just don't drink the water.

And when we're done, I'll save the bucket to poop in!

Heartaches in Hi-Fi? Looks more like "Heartaches in hair loss".

What is happening here, a "who's the biggest ass contest"?
Is the guy in blue hitting on the guy in red?
And what exactly IS a rumpus room anyway?

Glad it says "outer space"...
I woulda' thought they were going deep-sea diving.

His lips are turning blue because he's suffocating... I hope.

I love the album cover below. It's got such a great kitschy Latino art style. I'm not entirely certain what "Los Ases Del Ritmo" means, but judging by where the guy has his eyes focused, I have a good idea.

Es muy especial en espacio! Aye-yi-yi!

Famed actor, composer, artist, author, director, and great uncle of Drew Barrymore - Lionel Barrymore produced a Halloween record in 1947 that has some rather unsettling cover art.

Lookit me! I'm the head of the Halloween party!

And nothing can quite match the weirdness that comes from combining music, with fanatical Bible-Belt naiveté. Not to mention the silly hairdos--- as they say, "The higher the hair, the closer to God".

Guide me Lord... to a better beautician. Yeesh.

I bet that no one actually requested that Geraldine sing anything.

The cover below has been all over the Internet. I'm not entirely convinced that it's not a hoax or a spoof or something. The Faith Tones' "Jesus Use Me" has all the trappings of a really embarrassing Christian album, but these ladies seriously look like men in drag... a little too much.

Look at how they're dressed. They're just asking for it.

George Otis apparently is not just a man of God, but a man of ACTION! He's got a rocket ready and fueled to go straight up and visit God anytime he wants.

Put on yer space-pants... next stop... Heaven!

The album below just confirms everything I've ever suspected about the French.

Who wants les Jiffy Pop?!

Then I came across a startlingly racist album cover... unless Mr. Bojangles' head below happens to be made of a giant Reese's Peanut Butter Cup... then in that case it's a whole lot of creamy, chocolaty deliciousness... and who could racist that? I mean, "resist".

Don't you be taken no bite outta' me, sucka'!

There's the closeted backwoods McDonald sisters with their hit album "I've Got Confidence"...

Ummmm, no you don't.

Chad Morgan below, looks like he'd be expert at pickin' that guitar with his teeth.

Heck, I can gobble corn cobs faster than a tick can suck blood outta' a pig!

"Building on the Rock" is more like biblical destruction by two of the four horseman, "come to destroy that which man hath built", who knew they'd come in the form of Miss Piggy and Cecil the sea serpent?

Repent, or we shall smite you with our puppity ways!

And this little treasure below is one of the more minimalist, yet disturbing children's records I've seen - especially if you consider that the bear isn't wearing any pants.

Don't ever tell your parents what we do after bedtime or I'll eat your faces.

In case you've ever had trouble trying to BBQ meat just right, there's...

I'd say this is a "steak out", but that'd be corny.
Because you see there's steaks and corn and...
Aaaw shut up and get your own blog.

The album below is interesting because... don't the other kids realize that the boy on the slide is obviously a vampire?! Just look at them chompers!

And finally, my all-time favorite... Why is the Mad Hatter's face ON his hat... why IS his face the hat? He's horrifying... he looks like a reject from Lidsville (see video at bottom of post). Neither Alice nor the March Hare seem to have a clue... and who goes to see an UNDERWATER review?

Head... filling with water... expanding... glub-glub-glub!


Leah said...

The "Guide Me Lord" one really creeps me out. Did people really wear their hair like that?? OMG.

musicobsession said...

Hahaha this is really a vinyl abomination.

Tom said...

I can't imagine anyone wearing their hair like that or thinking that it looks good... it's hilarious, but different times and different styles I guess... but that still don't make it right.

Anonymous said...

I had that Star Wars album, and spent many a fine moment perusing those still shots...I miss that album.


pwlsax said...

Don't talk smack about Ted Weems until you listen to some of his 20s & 30s stuff...say, here.

Tom said...

Aw, c'mon. It's all in good fun. But this is my blog and I can talk smack about whomever I want.

But I'm sure that Mr. Weems is ligit in the music world, I love a lot of music from that era, so no offense to his talents, just his graphic designer who put together his record album. I'll check out his music and maybe do a blog on Ted.

Anonymous said...

"Los Ases Del Ritmo" means "The Aces Of Rhythm"

Que vaya bien!

Anonymous said...

It sounds like you're creating problems yourself by trying to solve this issue instead of looking at why their is a problem in the first place.

Perry Andrews said...

the Faith Tones album HAS to be fake!

Anonymous said...

The Faith Tones album appears to be real. Check out this, and then click on otra foto: