Live on Tape

Alternate Uses for the Samsung Ultra Touch S8300

2009-02-25T10:33:00.000-08:00

Damn. This video kills with cuteness.

When you get to 1:04 in, you'll see just how evil a Hedgehog can be...

A True Icon

2009-02-18T16:43:00.000-08:00

Crap from the PAST!!!

2009-02-09T23:14:00.000-08:00

Man, it's amazing the stuff you can find surfing around the internet. Recently I found this; a promo from the late 80's for KLJB TV in Davenport Iowa - the station where I used to work when I was just out of college. I had nothing to do with this promo, other than getting called into the studio to appear on camera for a few moments. Moments that have since scarred me.

KL & JB attempt to tell local viewers how great KLJB is!
And have out-of-body experiences while doing so.

Don't get me wrong, I love local television with its cheesy commercials, promos, newscasts, and poorly produced programs.

KL sings her heart out, it was either that...
or scream in horror at what she was doing.

Cheesy local television is mostly a thing of a past now, but the crappy, stupid content that local television stations used to churn out is somehow charming in its naive dumbness.

The reality sinks in...
(Yes, that's me on the left.)

I'm proud of the years I worked at KLJB producing crappy local television... made with lots of hard earnest work and love. Man, do I miss it.

Drunk Midwesterners having a good ol' fashioned yodel-off!

At some point I'll post some of the terrible local TV ads I wrote and produced way back then. But for now, I wanted to share this station promo that I found.

Oh we thought so back then... but you know what...
at the time, KLJB was a place for great TV.

The video below speaks for itself...

MIKA - Lollipop

2009-02-03T01:03:00.000-08:00

Damn! I love everything about this. Props to Brian for turning me onto it.

Lollipop Video

FOX News Fear Imbalance

2009-01-23T10:37:00.000-08:00

Generally a president gets 100 days before they get their first report card on how they're doing, apparently FOX News thinks that 1 day is long enough.

The Daily Show With Jon StewartM - Th 11p / 10c

Fox News Fear Imbalance

Barack Obama Interview
John McCain Interview

Sarah Palin Video
Funny Election Video

A Day of Hope

2009-01-20T09:46:00.001-08:00

My fellow citizens, I stand here today humbled by the task before us, grateful for the trust you have bestowed, mindful of the sacrifices borne by our ancestors. I thank President Bush for his service to our nation, as well as the generosity and cooperation he has shown throughout this transition.

Forty-four Americans have now taken the presidential oath. The words have been spoken during rising tides of prosperity and the still waters of peace. Yet, every so often, the oath is taken amidst gathering clouds and raging storms. At these moments, America has carried on not simply because of the skill or vision of those in high office, but because We the People have remained faithful to the ideals of our forebearers, and true to our founding documents.

So it has been. So it must be with this generation of Americans.

That we are in the midst of crisis is now well understood. Our nation is at war, against a far-reaching network of violence and hatred. Our economy is badly weakened, a consequence of greed and irresponsibility on the part of some, but also our collective failure to make hard choices and prepare the nation for a new age. Homes have been lost; jobs shed; businesses shuttered. Our health care is too costly; our schools fail too many; and each day brings further evidence that the ways we use energy strengthen our adversaries and threaten our planet.

These are the indicators of crisis, subject to data and statistics. Less measurable but no less profound is a sapping of confidence across our land -- a nagging fear that America's decline is inevitable, and that the next generation must lower its sights.

Today I say to you that the challenges we face are real. They are serious and they are many. They will not be met easily or in a short span of time. But know this, America: They will be met.

On this day, we gather because we have chosen hope over fear, unity of purpose over conflict and discord.

On this day, we come to proclaim an end to the petty grievances and false promises, the recriminations and worn-out dogmas, that for far too long have strangled our politics.

We remain a young nation, but in the words of Scripture, the time has come to set aside childish things. The time has come to reaffirm our enduring spirit; to choose our better history; to carry forward that precious gift, that noble idea, passed on from generation to generation: the God-given promise that all are equal, all are free, and all deserve a chance to pursue their full measure of happiness.

In reaffirming the greatness of our nation, we understand that greatness is never a given. It must be earned. Our journey has never been one of shortcuts or settling for less. It has not been the path for the fainthearted -- for those who prefer leisure over work, or seek only the pleasures of riches and fame. Rather, it has been the risk-takers, the doers, the makers of things -- some celebrated, but more often men and women obscure in their labor -- who have carried us up the long, rugged path toward prosperity and freedom.

For us, they packed up their few worldly possessions and traveled across oceans in search of a new life.

For us, they toiled in sweatshops and settled the West; endured the lash of the whip and plowed the hard earth.

For us, they fought and died, in places like Concord and Gettysburg; Normandy and Khe Sahn.

Time and again, these men and women struggled and sacrificed and worked till their hands were raw so that we might live a better life. They saw America as bigger than the sum of our individual ambitions; greater than all the differences of birth or wealth or faction.

This is the journey we continue today. We remain the most prosperous, powerful nation on Earth. Our workers are no less productive than when this crisis began. Our minds are no less inventive, our goods and services no less needed than they were last week or last month or last year. Our capacity remains undiminished. But our time of standing pat, of protecting narrow interests and putting off unpleasant decisions -- that time has surely passed. Starting today, we must pick ourselves up, dust ourselves off, and begin again the work of remaking America.

For everywhere we look, there is work to be done. The state of the economy calls for action, bold and swift, and we will act -- not only to create new jobs, but to lay a new foundation for growth. We will build the roads and bridges, the electric grids and digital lines that feed our commerce and bind us together. We will restore science to its rightful place, and wield technology's wonders to raise health care's quality and lower its cost. We will harness the sun and the winds and the soil to fuel our cars and run our factories. And we will transform our schools and colleges and universities to meet the demands of a new age. All this we can do. And all this we will do.

Now, there are some who question the scale of our ambitions -- who suggest that our system cannot tolerate too many big plans. Their memories are short. For they have forgotten what this country has already done; what free men and women can achieve when imagination is joined to common purpose, and necessity to courage.

What the cynics fail to understand is that the ground has shifted beneath them -- that the stale political arguments that have consumed us for so long no longer apply. The question we ask today is not whether our government is too big or too small, but whether it works -- whether it helps families find jobs at a decent wage, care they can afford, a retirement that is dignified. Where the answer is yes, we intend to move forward. Where the answer is no, programs will end. And those of us who manage the public's dollars will be held to account -- to spend wisely, reform bad habits, and do our business in the light of day -- because only then can we restore the vital trust between a people and their government.

Nor is the question before us whether the market is a force for good or ill. Its power to generate wealth and expand freedom is unmatched, but this crisis has reminded us that without a watchful eye, the market can spin out of control -- and that a nation cannot prosper long when it favors only the prosperous. The success of our economy has always depended not just on the size of our gross domestic product, but on the reach of our prosperity; on our ability to extend opportunity to every willing heart -- not out of charity, but because it is the surest route to our common good.

As for our common defense, we reject as false the choice between our safety and our ideals. Our Founding Fathers, faced with perils we can scarcely imagine, drafted a charter to assure the rule of law and the rights of man, a charter expanded by the blood of generations. Those ideals still light the world, and we will not give them up for expedience's sake. And so to all other peoples and governments who are watching today, from the grandest capitals to the small village where my father was born: Know that America is a friend of each nation and every man, woman and child who seeks a future of peace and dignity, and that we are ready to lead once more.

Recall that earlier generations faced down fascism and communism not just with missiles and tanks, but with sturdy alliances and enduring convictions. They understood that our power alone cannot protect us, nor does it entitle us to do as we please. Instead, they knew that our power grows through its prudent use; our security emanates from the justness of our cause, the force of our example, the tempering qualities of humility and restraint.

We are the keepers of this legacy. Guided by these principles once more, we can meet those new threats that demand even greater effort -- even greater cooperation and understanding between nations. We will begin to responsibly leave Iraq to its people, and forge a hard-earned peace in Afghanistan. With old friends and former foes, we will work tirelessly to lessen the nuclear threat, and roll back the specter of a warming planet. We will not apologize for our way of life, nor will we waver in its defense, and for those who seek to advance their aims by inducing terror and slaughtering innocents, we say to you now that our spirit is stronger and cannot be broken; you cannot outlast us, and we will defeat you.

For we know that our patchwork heritage is a strength, not a weakness. We are a nation of Christians and Muslims, Jews and Hindus -- and nonbelievers. We are shaped by every language and culture, drawn from every end of this Earth; and because we have tasted the bitter swill of civil war and segregation, and emerged from that dark chapter stronger and more united, we cannot help but believe that the old hatreds shall someday pass; that the lines of tribe shall soon dissolve; that as the world grows smaller, our common humanity shall reveal itself; and that America must play its role in ushering in a new era of peace.

To the Muslim world, we seek a new way forward, based on mutual interest and mutual respect. To those leaders around the globe who seek to sow conflict, or blame their society's ills on the West: Know that your people will judge you on what you can build, not what you destroy. To those who cling to power through corruption and deceit and the silencing of dissent, know that you are on the wrong side of history; but that we will extend a hand if you are willing to unclench your fist.

To the people of poor nations, we pledge to work alongside you to make your farms flourish and let clean waters flow; to nourish starved bodies and feed hungry minds. And to those nations like ours that enjoy relative plenty, we say we can no longer afford indifference to suffering outside our borders; nor can we consume the world's resources without regard to effect. For the world has changed, and we must change with it.

As we consider the road that unfolds before us, we remember with humble gratitude those brave Americans who, at this very hour, patrol far-off deserts and distant mountains. They have something to tell us today, just as the fallen heroes who lie in Arlington whisper through the ages. We honor them not only because they are guardians of our liberty, but because they embody the spirit of service; a willingness to find meaning in something greater than themselves. And yet, at this moment -- a moment that will define a generation -- it is precisely this spirit that must inhabit us all.

For as much as government can do and must do, it is ultimately the faith and determination of the American people upon which this nation relies. It is the kindness to take in a stranger when the levees break, the selflessness of workers who would rather cut their hours than see a friend lose their job which sees us through our darkest hours. It is the firefighter's courage to storm a stairway filled with smoke, but also a parent's willingness to nurture a child, that finally decides our fate.

Our challenges may be new. The instruments with which we meet them may be new. But those values upon which our success depends -- hard work and honesty, courage and fair play, tolerance and curiosity, loyalty and patriotism -- these things are old. These things are true. They have been the quiet force of progress throughout our history. What is demanded then is a return to these truths. What is required of us now is a new era of responsibility -- a recognition, on the part of every American, that we have duties to ourselves, our nation and the world; duties that we do not grudgingly accept but rather seize gladly, firm in the knowledge that there is nothing so satisfying to the spirit, so defining of our character, than giving our all to a difficult task.

This is the price and the promise of citizenship.

This is the source of our confidence -- the knowledge that God calls on us to shape an uncertain destiny.

This is the meaning of our liberty and our creed -- why men and women and children of every race and every faith can join in celebration across this magnificent Mall, and why a man whose father less than 60 years ago might not have been served at a local restaurant can now stand before you to take a most sacred oath.

So let us mark this day with remembrance, of who we are and how far we have traveled. In the year of America's birth, in the coldest of months, a small band of patriots huddled by dying campfires on the shores of an icy river. The capital was abandoned. The enemy was advancing. The snow was stained with blood. At a moment when the outcome of our revolution was most in doubt, the father of our nation ordered these words be read to the people:

"Let it be told to the future world ... that in the depth of winter, when nothing but hope and virtue could survive... that the city and the country, alarmed at one common danger, came forth to meet [it]."

America. In the face of our common dangers, in this winter of our hardship, let us remember these timeless words. With hope and virtue, let us brave once more the icy currents, and endure what storms may come. Let it be said by our children's children that when we were tested, we refused to let this journey end, that we did not turn back, nor did we falter; and with eyes fixed on the horizon and God's grace upon us, we carried forth that great gift of freedom and delivered it safely to future generations.

Vinyl Abominations!

2009-01-18T02:23:00.000-08:00

In the current age of digital music and the waning days of compact discs, something that I miss with recorded music is album art. Back when you purchased a good ol' vinyl record it included a nice big cardboard sleeve for you to look over that was filled with all kinds of good stuff. Today you don't get squat with a CD and with downloads there's no love for the extras. As a kid I remember spending hours looking over the fold-out album for Star Wars while listening to the soundtrack.

This was back when "Star Wars" was still "Star Wars"... Notice there's
no "A New Hope" tacked onto this puppy, this is pure first generation!

And on the inside the album had a buncha' awesome movie stills! Bonus!

Oooo, admit it, these images still get you worked up.

There was even a Star Wars poster that came with the album! How cool was that?

Insert your own space battle SFX here.

And the back cover had a great iconic image of the inimitable Mr. Vader... this was before we discovered what a whiny little bitch Anakin really is. Thank you George Lucas so much for ruining one of the all-time great cinema villains... but I digress.

Yipeeeee! I'm in space!

Today you never get anything close to this experience with a CD or a music download. But as great as a lot of old record covers where--- there are millions more that are awful. Really retched ones. Cover concepts that are so bad they're hilarious, and the more unintentional their badness the better.

Below are several album covers of distinction that I found at various secondhand stores, as well as on the Internet (a few that you've probably already seen). Either way, enjoy...

Dick Chaney's post VP gig. He's clearly mad. It says so.

I'm betting everyone makes this face when they hear this album.

I dunno what to make of the album below, I think the turban and feather says it all.

The album below is great on so many levels.

¡Ay caramba! ¡Hay bolas en mi trompeta!

If the group below was actually south of the border having a picnic and gorging themselves on chicken, they would be minutes from being robbed, raped, kidnapped and having their children stolen. Tijuana is no picnic. Just ask the Colonel, "Life Tastes Better with KFC"... just don't drink the water.

And when we're done, I'll save the bucket to poop in!

Heartaches in Hi-Fi? Looks more like "Heartaches in hair loss".

What is happening here, a "who's the biggest ass contest"?
Is the guy in blue hitting on the guy in red?
And what exactly IS a rumpus room anyway?

Glad it says "outer space"...
I woulda' thought they were going deep-sea diving.

His lips are turning blue because he's suffocating... I hope.

I love the album cover below. It's got such a great kitschy Latino art style. I'm not entirely certain what "Los Ases Del Ritmo" means, but judging by where the guy has his eyes focused, I have a good idea.

Es muy especial en espacio! Aye-yi-yi!

Famed actor, composer, artist, author, director, and great uncle of Drew Barrymore - Lionel Barrymore produced a Halloween record in 1947 that has some rather unsettling cover art.

Lookit me! I'm the head of the Halloween party!

And nothing can quite match the weirdness that comes from combining music, with fanatical Bible-Belt naiveté. Not to mention the silly hairdos--- as they say, "The higher the hair, the closer to God".

Guide me Lord... to a better beautician. Yeesh.

I bet that no one actually requested that Geraldine sing anything.

The cover below has been all over the Internet. I'm not entirely convinced that it's not a hoax or a spoof or something. The Faith Tones' "Jesus Use Me" has all the trappings of a really embarrassing Christian album, but these ladies seriously look like men in drag... a little too much.

Look at how they're dressed. They're just asking for it.

George Otis apparently is not just a man of God, but a man of ACTION! He's got a rocket ready and fueled to go straight up and visit God anytime he wants.

Put on yer space-pants... next stop... Heaven!

The album below just confirms everything I've ever suspected about the French.

Who wants les Jiffy Pop?!

Then I came across a startlingly racist album cover... unless Mr. Bojangles' head below happens to be made of a giant Reese's Peanut Butter Cup... then in that case it's a whole lot of creamy, chocolaty deliciousness... and who could racist that? I mean, "resist".

Don't you be taken no bite outta' me, sucka'!

There's the closeted backwoods McDonald sisters with their hit album "I've Got Confidence"...

Ummmm, no you don't.

Chad Morgan below, looks like he'd be expert at pickin' that guitar with his teeth.

Heck, I can gobble corn cobs faster than a tick can suck blood outta' a pig!

"Building on the Rock" is more like biblical destruction by two of the four horseman, "come to destroy that which man hath built", who knew they'd come in the form of Miss Piggy and Cecil the sea serpent?

Repent, or we shall smite you with our puppity ways!

And this little treasure below is one of the more minimalist, yet disturbing children's records I've seen - especially if you consider that the bear isn't wearing any pants.

Don't ever tell your parents what we do after bedtime or I'll eat your faces.

In case you've ever had trouble trying to BBQ meat just right, there's...

I'd say this is a "steak out", but that'd be corny.
Because you see there's steaks and corn and...
Aaaw shut up and get your own blog.

The album below is interesting because... don't the other kids realize that the boy on the slide is obviously a vampire?! Just look at them chompers!

And finally, my all-time favorite... Why is the Mad Hatter's face ON his hat... why IS his face the hat? He's horrifying... he looks like a reject from Lidsville (see video at bottom of post). Neither Alice nor the March Hare seem to have a clue... and who goes to see an UNDERWATER review?

Head... filling with water... expanding... glub-glub-glub!

The Agony Of Da' Teeth

2009-01-13T16:48:00.000-08:00

I dislike going to the dentist - who doesn't? (Well, my friend Rob, but he's weird.) I dunno if I'd say I hate going to the dentist, but it's pretty close to "hate"... right up there with other things I don't care for, like: banging my shin on the coffee table, getting a bad sunburn, discovering bug parts in my Chinese food, and waking up in Tijuana with only one kidney. But like death and taxidermy, the dentist is unavoidable... and today, my number was up.

Waiting for the doc to arrive.
In the meantime they gave me these "safety" glasses to wear...
um... what's about to happen?

As I'm discovering, all my previous dental work was done wrong. Well, not wrong for 10 to 15 years ago, but wrong for today. Current methods of dentistry are different, so all the work I had done previously is being overhauled.

The Doozers set up their tiny scaffold and got right to work on Betty!

The metal fillings I was given way back when are just "not how it's done" these days - or so I'm told. As it turns out metal fillings are the worst way to fill teeth for a variety of reasons, but back in my youth, that wasn't the case. At least that's the current "sales pitch" the dental industry has in an effort to re-do all the work I've already had done.

There's always something new!

So, I've had all my old fillings replaced with new porcelain fillings, however there are now newer NEW epoxies and resins that have replace the old porcelain...

It's all new, I swear...

But over the years with all the drilling and the damage caused by the old metal fillings several of my teeth have needed crowns... and that's what I'm here for today. An old porcelain filling has to go, the tooth has to be ground down, and I'll be getting a crown in its place.

It's good to be the king.

Not that type of crown, this:

So it's true, the molar caps are melting!

Oh joy.

I'm sure in another 5 to 10 years what the dental community today considers "the right approach" will be vilified as archaic. So the work I'm about to have done no doubt will land me right back in this chair. It's an on-going cycle, requiring a "treatment plan" or "program" that seems never-ending. Everyone I know seems to have the same issues with their dentist. Must be the business model they teach in dental school.

Thar's gold in them thar pearlies! Keep drillin'!

Thinking all this over as I wait for the doctor, I decide I'm not going to stand for it! Just wait until that dentist gets here, I'm gonna give Dr. Drills-a-Lot a piece of my mind... enough is enough!

I'm as mad as hell and I'm not gonna... hold on... where'r my uppers?!

Despite my best efforts to really "give it to" my dentist, I found him to be disarming, totally open to discuss my concerns and willing to take the time to talk me through what and why I needed the work done today... he even showed me an x-ray of the afflicted bicuspid.

Looks like NASA satellite footage of topsoil runoff in Louisiana to me.

My lack of a DDS diploma put me at a disadvantage so I ended up nodding like a bobble head and grunting in agreement doing my best to sound intelligent... and failing.

I was doomed from the start. But, it all seemed to make some sense... so they got me numb with a good ol' shot of Novocaine, right in the gums.

Getting uncomfortably numb...

And so it began... there was all the prep... the suction... the spit cup.... the sprayers...

Looks like some sort of astronaut's bathroom.

...the epoxy guns filled with mysterious substances... overlooked by the zombie-like stare from a nearby flier for oral cancer screening...

...the instruments that in moments would be tearing at my flesh...

And then... the DRILLING!

YAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRGGGGGHHHH!

The drilling didn't take too long. Once it was over, I was subjected to a series of impressions of my teeth in order to have the crown custom made.

Mthr...frkin...sn...o..btch...

The ordeal was over fairly quickly, the bad stuff anyway. It was the taking of impressions and the shaping of the temporary crown that took the longest.

Now I have to be careful and try to only chew on the right side of my mouth until I return in three weeks to have the real crown put into place.. and I just can't wait.

1938 Sexist Disney Rejection Letter

2009-01-12T22:27:00.000-08:00

This has been all over the internet the past few days - so given my long history working for Disney and that my wife is a development executive at Disney it seemed almost an obligation that I should post it here.

I'm fairly certain that this letter is authentic--- however, even if it's not, the substance of it is. Back in Disney's Golden Era of animation Disney had only men as animators, the women were relegated to inking and painting the animation cels. And look at this stationary! Man, it's frickin' gorgeous!

I did a little online research attempting to track down the source for the letter and whether or not it was genuine. Snopes.com (The Internet reference source for urban legends, folklore, myths, rumors, and misinformation) has no entry for it, however there is a discussion page for it and a link to flickr where the letter is posted with the following explanation:

"This letter originally belonged to my grandmother. After she passed away we discovered it and were surprised at how well it was preserved for being nearly 70 years old. The letter speaks for itself and it's remarkable to note how times have changed since then."

Ho Ho Ho Ho My God!

2009-01-09T00:50:00.000-08:00

It's Santa Christ!

Okay, I know it's a little late for all these Christmas posts, but this is the last one. I was just too busy in December to get to them.

After Christmas comes all the Christmas sales and there's a lot of crap that retailers attempt to unload on consumers during the post-holiday shopping frenzy, particularly holiday items. I'm not certain how to reconcile the figurine below, it's sort of like Microsoft and Apple teaming up or two rival quarterbacks meeting... and what's the deal with Santa's glasses? Why are they such a prominent part of this figurine? Was Santa suddenly struck blind by the sheer awe of seeing of baby Jesus? Or maybe Santa's taking them off because he's about to give baby J a good backhand smack.

So... any chance of us working together in the future?

Even now, a little over two weeks past Christmas, people in my neighborhood still have their Christmas lights up. Not that I care all that much, but c'mon...

It's all part of my home security system-- intruders get electrocuted!

I did run across this unique lighted Pacman-themed "Christmas Tree" in Madrid which is really cool.

As I said, there's a lotta Christmas crap that's left on the shelves after the holiday... a lot of it is utterly inexplicable, like the ornament below. It's some sort of fish... fireman... thing. A fire-fish merman? I discovered a number of these "merman" themed ornaments, I think they have some sort of gay-pride relevance, but I have no idea how mer-folk figure into it all. I may not want to know.

(Insert your own "hose comment" here.)

Clowns creep me out, but I'm not surprised to see that there are clown ornaments out there, however this one looks not only sad, but dead. At least the clown hearse can fit a lot of dead clowns into it.

Mr. Snickers just snickered his last.

The ornament below I found online and if I thought Emily would let me buy one and hang it on our Christmas tree I would... it's Cthulhu Claus!

I may be a shambling horror trapped in eternal slumber
waiting to awake and devour your souls, but that doesn't
mean I don't want some eggnog and cookies too!

I don't know which is worse - Darth Vader building a Death Star out of snow, or that it looks like he's humping it.

Who's your Father... That's right--- I... am your father.

Satan... Santa... easy to get confused.

And what Christmas Tree isn't complete without Dracula?

I love to hang out 'neath the mistletoe.

I don't know what the hell this little troll/elf ornament is holding. Either he's part of Santa's ground crew helping with sleigh landings at the North Pole, or he's holding some sort of sex toys the elves stockpile during the long winter months.

I'm here to tickle yer sugarplums.

Here's probably my favorite Christmas Ornament for this year. Not fancy, but gets the point across.

And then there's the inevitable show-biz marketing ornaments. Does the world really need to add Hannah Montana and The Hulk to the Christmas tradition? Um, I gonna say "no".

Hulk smash, Christmas!

I came across the ornament below. At first I couldn't figure out what it was... a robot?... no... an octopus?... no... After closer inspection, and noticing the words "Hollywood" and "Los Angeles" did I realize that it was supposed to be a camera with movie film flowing around it. Ugh.

Nothing says Christmas like a lynched chicken.

There are also plenty of oddly created "treats" that are sold around the holidays.

Peeps - Peppermint - Marshmallow - Stars... Mmm, sounds barfalicious.

A gingerbread sleigh and reindeer?! Oh no, Santa, it's a trap
set by that old witch who tried to eat Hansel & Gretel! RUN!

Munch of the Penguins.

These two died while in captivity.

This is how a snowman views the world--- when he's on ACID!

And a few more decoration oddities--

A pair of lesbian nutcrackers. Wait, I think that's redundant.

Yippee! I'm the crappiest Christmas ornament ever!

In the end the Teamsters took care of Santa just like they did Jimmy Hoffa.

And that's it for Christmas 2008... I promise.

Ho Ho Ho the Humanity!

2009-01-07T09:15:00.000-08:00

For all the joy and wonder that children experience at Christmas, there is one event that's pretty frightening when you're a tyke - coming face-to-face with the fat man himself. No only does this guy sneak into your house in the middle of the night, he watches you when you're asleep and when you're awake and knows if you've been bad or good. Pretty scary stuff. But he also flies through the sky - wears a bright red suit - and has a huge white beard the likes of which nobody outside of a soup kitchen has.

"Hey... what happened to all the reindeer?!"
The lack of reindeer was claus for alarm.

One of the most traumatic moments in a child's life is being dragged out to the mall to sit on Santa's lap. As bad as it is for the kids, just look at the expressions on some of these Santas' faces as they deal with terrified children -- "I'm not getting paid enough for this" as got to be going through their heads.

In stereo

Adjusting the right and left balance...

Perfect! Surround sound!

Whoa, Santa! Watch the hands!

Pleading for mercy!

I'd scream too if Santa was CRUSHING ME!

Santa, ready to jettison another screamer.

This looks like an F5 screamer.

Oh, you made Santa cry -- you're gonna pay for that come Christmas morning.

Operating the kids as if they were an accordion doesn't seem to be helping.

Going limp. Santa avoidance technique 101.

Looks like someone's getting deported.

Santa at the end of a long, weary day.

The full range of emotion from happy to sad.

If I can't be happy... then I must... strangle... Rudolph!

Okay kid... I'm gonna split you like a wishbone!

The aftermath... the kid's all cried out and Santa looks like
he's been bitch-slapped with a snow shovel.

Mmmm, yeah... this one's too creepy for words.

Must be twins.

I think he just learned to poop and scream at the same time. Santa too!

Steady... steady... it's like dealing with a case of C4 on a bumpy road.

Jeez, you'd think these kids were being murdered.

Mother and daughter comparison.

Don't be scared, it's just good ol' Cadaver Claus!

This kid just realized his parents sold him into elf-slavery.

HO HO HUMBUG!

2009-01-05T00:15:00.000-08:00

Yeah-yeah. Been a long while since I've posted. This is a big one with lotsa' pictures (and a video!), so hold onto your pants and apples.

The holidays are over and people are back to work again, returning like weary soldiers from the front line ready to fall back into their day-to-day's. Everyone will be fondly remembering their holidays and sharing anecdotes. Each year Christmas is a big honkin' deal. It's candy-colored wonderment, packages, treats, surprises, and warm happy feelings...

Ha! And Schindler thought HE had a big list!

...and it's a a big honkin pain-in-the-ass. Christmas is my least favorite holiday for a combination of reasons. Retailers make most of their profits for the year at Christmastime so they start promoting it mid-October in order to start the buying frenzy. (Didn't work too well this year given the blight on the economy)... but people still got the "Christmas crazies", they rushed around, drove like idiots, and got pushy and rude like they do every year...

It's beginning to look a lot like Crapmas!

And then there's all the expectations. Not the expectations for a wondrous holiday, - no - the expectations and anxiety regarding, travel, presents and-- did the cards all get sent? Did the right people get "Happy Holidays" vs. "Merry Christmas" or "Joyous Season" lest someone be offended...

What?... No Happy Birthday Jesus?! Why the NERVE!

And if you are one who is offended by Happy Holidays vs. Merry Christmas or vice-versa, get over yourself, consider yourself lucky that you even GOT a card and be gracious for the goodwill you selfish bastard. And please, PLEASE if you're going to send out pictures with your Christmas/Holiday/Kwanzaa/Festivus card, don't only send pictures of your kids.

Mmm, Chris is growing up to be quite the young woman.

No offense, but I probably don't know your kids, never met them, and in some cases I never will meet them. I'm sure they're nice, brilliant, amazing little people and future felons, but I don't care. I wanna see pictures of you first and foremost. Send a picture of YOU with your kids. I don't care how fat or bald you are. Once a year YOU take the time to communicate with ME - and I do the same with you so let's see your flabby old self with your kids. A family picture is perfect. Which brings me to... the Christmas letter. DON'T! Just, don't. Unless it's brief, clever, and really witty, and for the love of crap don't make it ALL about your kids if you do decide to write one. (see previous paragraph).

I wasn't always down on Christmas. Not when I was a kid. Back then, Christmas was like winning the lottery every December 25th. What's not to like about Christmas at that age?

My first Christmas. Denver Colorado.

Maaaaahm! Stop lookin' at Dad and hand over the package!

As a wee one I LOVED Christmas. I was a first generation kid growing up on Rudolph, Frosty, the Grinch, and Charlie Brown, etc. Ah, happy times.

My absolute favorite toys as a little kid were these two items:

Wish I still had mine, these babies are worth a MINT nowadays.

Nothing spells fun like high-heat and molten plastic!
Back when toys were toys and they helped weed out the weak kids.

Since my family lived in northern Illinois we generally would have a good heavy snowfall around Christmas, so my memories of that time look like this:

The house in Geneseo where I grew up.

My street back when I was a yoot.

But as I grew up, my love of Christmas began to fade...

So long childhood! See ya' again--- never!
Don't look back...because--- I'm gonna eat Rudolph.

As an adult I grew less n' less thrilled with Christmas. Typically around Christmas became the time of year when I had break-ups with girlfriends, had gotten dumped or in a fight, had been sick, or had family members fall ill (my father frequently in later years). The stress is high, you're rushing around, dealing with travel, relatives, and overloaded with tasks for the holidays it's just all one big headache. I've learned to despise this time of year and just endure it.

Hands down my favorite holiday of all is Halloween. I love horror and autumn and candy. It's a simple holiday devoid of any overt religious overtones and just plain fun.

Be honest, do I have seeds in my teeth?

Thanksgiving is my next favorite because it's a time to get together with friends and loved ones with no pressure other than just having a wonderful meal and being together.

Okay Redcloud. You can have a taste, but then we're going
to have to insist that you and your friends leave.

Neither Halloween nor Thanksgiving are the maelstrom of emotion, stress, and pressure that is Christmas. And I like that.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not a total Grinch, however I find so much of Christmas annoying, but I'm getting better with it and learning to enjoy it more-- partly because so much of my family has passed on over the recent years, there's just myself, my mom, my brother and sister left. However, since getting married my new family has grown with Emily, her sister and her husband and well as Emily's parents. The holiday has taken on a new, more positive dynamic.

Zuzu... stop! ... choking... can't... breath... life... flashing before my eyes...

This year we got to spend time with good friends, going out for a holiday dinner...

Nothing says "Christmas" quite like a diaper right at nose level.

Emily LOVES Christmas, and I have to admit that her enthusiasm for the holiday is infectious. For the first time since I've lived in my house it was decorated beyond just an obligatory string of lights on the porch to appease the neighbors.

Deck the halls with boughs of holly, fa la la la la, my light bill's high!

We even had a little Christmas village set up inside...

Yo! HEY! I'm freezin' my chestnuts here!

We had not one, but TWO Christmas trees - one in the living room...

It's not our main tree, it's just one of our branches.

...and one in our Tiki Room.

Happy Hula Days!

With all this, I couldn't help but grudgingly start to enjoy Christmas this year.

Me and Emily, beaming with that yummy holiday glow.
It's the hat what makes it all so special.

My sister and Mom visited for the week over Christmas. While normally this would have been one of those stressful things I dread about the Holidays, it turned out to be great.

Jenny, Mom (LeJean), Emily and me.
Totally candid picture, not posed at all. We stand around like this for hours.

We had a chance to have fun and do some touristy stuff like go to Disneyland, do some sightseeing, and shoot up to Santa Barbara for some wine tasting.

My teeth are purple, but I'm not drunk... are you drunk?

Okay, now we're drunk.

There were plenty of other fun activities to fill the time, like Wii bowling with Mom...

Yes mom, every frame can be a "beer frame" if you want.

And cookie decorating...

Later we'll have nap time and a snack, now shut up and sprinkle!

Finally the big day arrived. You can't help but be a little giddy with excitement, wondering what treasures you'll find under the tree.

HO-YEAH! Christmas ain't a total loss, I got me some SCOTCH!

My sister Jenny and her new coin pooch.
I'm sure it's something she really wanted.

There were also the calls to the rest of our family members who couldn't be present. My brother Scott called from Boston just as Emily was setting up an iChat with her family in Florida, so we had two coast-to-coast visits happening at once as you can see in the short video below:

Yes, so I ended up feeling a little left out... but things were about to get better. A day or so later a package arrived from Emily's parents -- more Christmas presents! The box was late in arriving, so we had 2nd Christmas!

Oh yeah, the tree's all loaded up for a second time!

Among the great gifts sent, I received a cool hovering pen, clock, and note set!

(GASP of amazement!)

Looking back it was a great Christmas. Despite all the headaches that come with the season, and despite all my bitching about disliking Christmas, if I reach deep down I can still find that little spark of excitement that I had when I was a little one, surrounded by those who loved me.

Lyle & LeJean (my parents), me, Gladys & Powers (my mom's parents)

It's no so much a memory as it is a feeling. It's that feeling that all children get at Christmas and one that as an adult I'm happy I've found again.

Li'l Tommy Hart - 10 months old and ready for his first Christmas.

Barack the Casbah!

2008-11-05T00:43:00.000-08:00

After eight horrid years and two gut-wrenching elections, I'm happy to see this country finally pull its collective head out of its ass and make the brave choice.

The coming 4 years have yet to be written, but tonight there's something this country hasn't had in a long time, hope.

Barack is the man!

Over Time

2008-10-29T10:48:00.000-07:00

Recently got to thinking about how much I love (and miss the Muppets). Sadly the classic Muppet characters are now owned by Disney and, except for being seen sparingly in some of the Disney preschool productions, Kermit, Miss Piggy, et al are likely to be doomed to history, vaulted away and replaced by lesser, but I suppose more "relevant" characters to drive the Mouse's bottom-line. To me, the Muppets will remain timeless.

Several years ago a French student film made the rounds. It was a tribute to Jim Henson and the Muppets, directed by: Oury Atlan, Thibaut Berland, and Damien Ferri. The film won numerous festival awards. The plot follows a group of puppet creatures reminiscent of Kermit who reverse their roles of puppet and puppeteer, manipulating their deceased creator. While this sounds morbid, the film is quite touching, a little creepy, and yet moving, amusing, and haunting. (Note: the video below starts in black with music, takes a few seconds to get rolling so be patient.)

Meat Face!

2008-10-07T23:35:00.001-07:00

Generally, I don't like to eat things with faces.

I've eaten my share of fish with the head still on, the clouded eyes looking up at me, while not an aspect I enjoy, the deliciousness of the fishy wins over any sympathy I may have for my aquatic dinner companion.

But when processed food comes with a face, is creeps me out in a different way.

What do they have to be so damn happy about?

This must be "mild" cheddar.

I'm assuming that the smiling mug on the meat
is what ate the top part of this sandwich.

Cute, if it didn't remind me of a litter box.

Mmmm, nothin' like some fried Mickey!

Not only is it unsettling to see the image of the animals that
were ground up and used to make the meat,
but it's insulting--- and I hate being insulted by food.

I could make some comment about a tongue sandwich but...

I dated a girl like this once.

This patty seems to be straining...
I hope it's not doing what I think it's doing in my salad.

Visitation hours are from 11am to 8pm.

A chick's face on a hard boiled egg. Think about that.

Hey it's Mario! Who unknowingly is about to be devoured.

It's okay. They're already dead.

This one is wrong on so many levels.

I've had nightmares like this.

Words cannot describe the horror...

Sometimes you just can't help but get a fresh one...

Mmmmm, now that's good baby!
(Yeah, yeah... I know. Disturbing, no babies were actually consumed so relax.)

My Dad

2008-09-30T22:12:00.000-07:00

Okay, a giant post, sorry... but there's a fun video at the end! Ho boy!

First let's start with ME! Because that's when I met my dad, when I was first me. That's me below, li'l melon-head Tommy only a month or two after I was born. I've got a serious diaper problem happening.

Yo! Can I get some powda' here?! I'M CHAFING!

Okay, enough about me. Back to my Dad, and let's get through the depressing stuff first, Dad's no longer around, I'd say that we lost him back in 2004, but that sounds like he went missing under the sofa cushions and he's bound to turn up next time we clean. No, he passed away four years ago this past September 28th, after many years of struggling with a failing heart. But Dad was a fighter and hung on for years and managed to get around pretty much on his own up until his final year - during which time my Mother shouldered the huge responsibility of caring for him. Then in 2004 Dad disappeared into the sofa cushions with all the pocket change that I'll never see again.

Recently I got to thinking about him and missing him. I don't have any drama to write about with my father, no lurking unresolved issues, nothing like that. In fact I even got to say good-bye to him just a few of days before he died. I loved my father and felt like we got along great, other than my normal teen-angst years when everyone has issues with their parents. Otherwise there was nothing bad or damaging about my relationship with him. And as I grew into an adult, our relationship only got better... although that time shared with him was far too brief.

My Dad, Lyle Hart, was born on August 2nd, 1932 in Alliance Nebraska. His father was a farmer and had a fair bit of land where they grew corn and beans. My Dad's first house when he was a child was a sod house. Yep, a house constructed out of blocks of grass and earth out on the prairie. That's it in the picture below. Dad's about 3 yrs. old there, and showing his early propensity for wearing silly hats.

When I get older, I'm gonna getta' mow the house!

As cliched as it is to say, Dad came from humble beginnings growing up in the heartland.

Lyle at 17, jacking cars in rural Nebraska.

I don't know what Dad was like when he was growing up, but from what I can tell he was well-liked. I'm betting he was a regular guy from farm country. Dad was very bright and creative and did not want to get stuck working a farm for his entire life - a source of friction between he and his father from what I understand. So consequently, he left the farm to make his way in the world.

Dad served in the U.S. Air Force during the Korean War. He worked as a cryptographer, encoding and typing military messages. He was stationed in Germany during his years in the military, and from his stories seemed to love his time overseas.

Dad at 19, in the Air Force during the Korean War.

In the above picture, that he'd sent home to his parents, Dad is copying his father's military photo from WWI (below). He'd written on the back, "Okay, so it isn't as sharp as Papa's" And no, it certainly wasn't.

My grandfather (Clarence Hart) circa 1917 WWI
Dig them crazy pants!

Yeah... I'm trying to figure out the math too on how my Grandfather served in the First World War since that would seem more like something my GREAT Grandfather would have done. Grandpa Hart died when I was around 7. He may have married late and had Dad when he was a little older, I'm not sure. Both sides of my family have longevity in their genes. The most plausible explanation is that Clarence constructed a time-machine out of a tractor and went back to fight the Kaiser.

Yankee-doodle this! I'll see you bastards in Versailles!

Dad went to college but he never completed his degree and was only a few hours short of getting his BA. Something that I think annoyed him the rest of his life, but did not seem to hinder his success.

Dad was always interested in art, theatre, photography, and filmmaking. He worked his adult life making industrial and educational films. While he was working in Denver Colorado as a cameraman he met my mom (LeJean) who was working as a teacher.

LeJean & Lyle

Actually, Dad was given mom's number by a guy in a bar, he called the number and that's how they met. Seriously. And then a year or so later I arrived.

You drop me old man and I'm calling child services!

Mom and Dad then moved to Lawrence Kansas, where Dad worked for Centron Films. Centron Studios was a complete film studio right in the middle of the country that made industrial and educational films, and one cult feature film: Carnival of Souls. Herk Harvey, the director was one of my dad's close friends.

Me and Mom at our family's first house in Lawrence Kansas... this was BS (before siblings).

Me getting ready for my fourth birthday!

It's birthday time beoches!
Dad's not happy about the gang-signs I'm flashin'.

I have vivid memories of the time when we lived in Lawrence. As I said, Centron was a motion picture studio, complete with a large sound stage. Their industrial clients were national and international corporations and very often would include big-name (or biggish) name talent for their productions like: Rowan & Martin, George Goebel, Jessie White, Eddie Albert, Don Johnson, and so on. Dad would often bring me along on shoots. When I was very little, I remember getting to meet Ed Ames who offered me a bite of an apple he was eating.

Me and Dad on a blacksmith's set at Centron.

To me this was Hollywood-- and in a way, it wasn't too far off. I even got a chance to do some acting. I was featured in several educational films, even one where it looks like I get run over by a car because I didn't observe the walk signals.

My brother Scott, Lyle, LeJean and me at my Mom's parent's house in Parkridge Ill.
This was right after Dad lost his father.

Dad later accepted a job with Deere & Company in the Quad Cities making industrial films, so the rest of my growing up was in a tiny town in the middle of farm country in Illinois. Dad had not wanted to be a farmer, but his profession had kept him close to farming.

As I said, there was no drama or issues between me n' Dad. He could be strict, but never unfairly so. He had a great sense of humor. While he was conservative in his views he was socially very liberal and fair. Except for that time he tried to murder a Canadian family that homesteaded in our garage, but they were asking for it and I have to court papers to prove it.

Dad with a pillow my sister made for him at Christmas.

Dad had a silly sense of humor, and didn't mind looking silly himself. Below is a picture of him wearing a wig my mother had purchased when she was going through chemo for cancer (she has since recovered).

Does the price tag make me look cheap?

Oh, and the silliness didn't stop at wigs. Nope. Dad had tons of HATS. Whenever I'd see him I never knew if he'd be wearing a cowboy hat, farmer's seed cap, straw hat, pork-pie hat, you name it.

Dad looking dapper in his Russian sailor's cap.

When I became an adult, my father's taste in clothing and hats was endearing and amusing to me. Back when I was a teen though, I was horrified. One of my most embarrassing moments happened the summer of my junior year in High School. I'd gotten a job at a local car dealer painting their sale banners on their showroom windows. This was a bonus, since the daughter of the dealership was a fellow classmate and a hottie whom I was hoping to ask out. Well, my first day working, late in the afternoon, the dealer's daughter comes out to bring me a drink, and she's actually talking to me! We were just starting to hit it off when I heard the familiar sound of a small gas engine putt-putt putting off in the distance... it was Dad. He had a little Honda 90 trail bike that he'd zip around town on in good weather. He thought he'd pay me a visit at work. DAMN! Well... a visit from your parents when you're a teen trying to act cool in front of a chick is bad enough, but add to this how my dad was dressed:

He was wearing these awful tie-died/bleached cut-offs, a bright yellow tank-top that was covered in CB phrases from the 70's with things like "Ten-four good buddy" and "Put the pedal to the metal" and "We gotta' convoy!" And to top it all off, Dad was sportin' a big ol' cowboy hat and cowboy boots (remember, he's wearing shorts). Ugh... Oh the humanity of it all!

I wanted to choke myself on a paintbrush and die right there. Now that I think about it, his visit was probably very brief, but to me it seemed an eternity. Eventually Dad went on his way to finish his errands. As he left, the dealer's daughter looked to me, shook her head and said, "Sometimes dads are such dorks".

Yes. Yes they are. But now, it's moments like that one that I recall fondly and wouldn't change. Well, except I would have liked to have gotten a date with the dealer's daughter, but that didn't happen.

TRIVIA TIME: Dad had told me the reason I was named "Tom" was because his mother would always call him Tom when he was growing up. He didn't know why she did this, his name was Lyle after all. But she always called him Tom, so the name got passed on to me. However, I did find out from my Grandmother the reason, it was because growing up on a farm they had lots of cats around. And she said Dad was like a tomcat, always running around. So it was Tom for "tomcat". I was happy that I was able to share this bit of info with Dad.

Dad at the Alamo... looking to rent a car.
(Ha! No one's ever said that before I bet.)

The last five years or so of Dad's life, when his health started failing, I made sure to visit him and Mom for the Holidays. I'm very glad that I did because we had some nice quiet Thanksgivings and Christmases together. I also got to have some good talks with Dad during this time.

Dad and Jenny (my sister) at Christmas 2003
Fighting over gifts, as usual.

Mom and Dad would split their time between Nebraska (where he was from) and Arkansas (where she was from). They would spend the winter months in Arkansas, then the summer in Nebraska. When Dad got very ill in Arkansas he really wanted to return to the little town in Nebraska where he'd grown up, Riverdale. He said he wanted to go home and sit on his porch. Which he did, and I'm glad he was able to.

Below is a short video I shot in 2001 while visiting Mom and Dad in Arkansas for Christmas. I was demonstrating to Dad my new camera and how quickly video could be edited on my Mac laptop. It's a cute slice of my parents together.

I got married this past year in Hawaii and really wish Dad could have been at the wedding.

Me and Emily after the ceremony.

Dad never got a chance to meet Emily I'm sure he would have loved her.

The Harts in Hawaii
Jenny, LeJean, Scott, Tom

However, perhaps it's fortunate that Emily never saw him dressed in his shorts, tank-top, cowboy hat, and boots - I dunno, add a lei and he would have been dressed for Hawaii. Dad would have had a great time.

Karmann Ghia

2008-09-24T00:01:00.000-07:00

Sherman, set the Wayback Machine for sometime in my callow youth---

Go on... pull my paw and I'll show you what the middle ages smelled like.

---back in the Midwest, in a small Illinois town of about six thousand, right in the middle of farm country. And there I was, in High School trying to figure it all out. Okay, not really. I wasn't trying to figure anything out except for maybe girls, but as I've learned nobody understands them. However, being male and a teenager in the Midwest I was also into cars. My first car was a gold '67 Chevy Caprice Classic (a high-end Chevy Impala), that was a hand-me-down from my Grandparents.

Hellooooo Goldie!

That Chevy was one sweet ride. It was in mint condition. Big engine, tons of power, bench seats... ah, what a road machine. Perfect date car too. But alas, the Caprice was not to be mine for long. After I'd been driving the Caprice for about a year, that was when my younger brother was starting to drive and my parents felt that since the Caprice was an automatic that it would easier and safer for him to drive while I drove something else. I was not happy about this at all, but I had no choice. Of course whatever I'd be driving next would be newer, safer, and a better car than this old Chevy. Ah... no it wasn't.

It was a rusty, '73 Volkswagen Karmann Ghia that my dad paid $200 for. Yeah, that's a FAIR trade.

Dad figured the Karman Ghia would be a good "beater car" for me to learn how to drive a stick-shift. In retrospect he was right, because ever since I've only owned manual transmission cars and I like driving a stick.

Sadly I have no "before" pictures of the Karmann Ghia when I first was given it. It was green (where there wasn't rust) with a white hard-top - no heat and no air-conditioning either. It took me a few weeks to get the hang of changing gears, but once I was comfortable with driving, the Ghia was a ton of fun to zip around in.

Factoid: The plate was the title of the first
ill-fated attempt at doing a sequel to the movie "2001"

Being an old Volkswagen, this car also required plenty of "special attention". I replaced at least two starter motors, several fuel pumps, one generator, etc. It was always in need of work. But I loved that little car dearly.

One day I noticed a large pile of leafy tree branches stacked near the street where the city had done some trimming. This gave me an idea. I grabbed some twine, picked up the branches and tied them all over the outside of the Ghia (took me most of the afternoon to complete). Once I was done, the Ghia was unrecognizable as a car and looked like a big bush. My friend Greg had stopped by and he was amused by what I'd done, so we decided to take her out for a drive. It was difficult seeing through the window, but I was able to see enough to navigate the street, so we headed off through town. Thinking back on this now, I guess it was kinda' irresponsible, but I was a teen - in my defense I wasn't racing through the streets, I was lumbering along at the pace of a parade float. A motorcade of drunken Shriners could have easily passed us.

Nobody drives shrubbery in our town and gets away with it!

Greg and I drove around for about a half-hour before the inevitable happened, we got pulled over by a cop. He was totally cool, and amused by what we'd done, but he said we had to get it off the road or he'd give me a ticket since my plates and tail lights were not visible. Otherwise he said it really didn't pose a threat, but he didn't condone driving a vehicle covered in branches. The cop allowed me to drive the car back to my house. He followed along behind then watched us remove the branches from the car. Once he saw how rusty the old Ghia was he said he could understand why I'd want to cover it up.

This whole experience gave me an idea - why not paint over the rust.?.. and if I'm going to paint the car, let's make it camouflage - inspired by the tree branches of course. And by paint, I mean just that - with a bucket and a brush. I had no cash for any fancy-ass paint job. So I ran to Farm and Fleet (local farming goods store - Walmart type of place).

Everything we sell is made right ch'er in America!
'Cept for that which is made in China... and that's most everything.

I got some tractor paint and brushes and went to town on the Ghia.

Painting inspired me to do more work to the car. Another trip to Farm and Fleet netted me some running lights that go on semi-trailer trucks... so I wired up the Ghia for lights, putting them along the sides. Then I added amber lights to the front, and blue lights inside the nose grills.

Strangely, everything in the interior could only be seen in black and white.
Must be a German thing.

All of these lights were on their own switches so I could control them. The Ghia had been missing a radio, so I just used the open hole in the dashboard to put the switch box for the lights. I mounted an under-dash stereo to make up for the missing radio.

Launch control, we're ready for lift off.

And then I got my hands on some carpet pieces and shagged out the inside of the car. In order to make sure the carpet stayed in nice n' snug, I used bolts with big washers to hold it in place on the floor. So this took some drilling, and was a lot of work, but I didn't want the pieces to come unglued while I was driving. Finally the Ghia was all tricked out and ready to go.

Green on the outside... fuzzy on the inside! Like my underwear.

But after my first fill-up I could smell gas inside the car. Turns out that when I was drilling the holes for the carpet bolts, I accidentally drilled into the gas tank (it's in the front of the car). Considering that the gas tank wasn't full of fuel when I was drilling, but instead full of dangerous fumes, I was extremely lucky that I didn't cause a spark while drilling, because---

Ground control to Major Tom... you're majorly screwed!

--- that gas tank probably would have exploded. So I ended up having to pull out the gas tank and patch up the hole. Once this was done, the Ghia was at last ready to roll!

Highway to the danger zone BABY!

Man, I had a blast in that car. My friends and I would pile in and drive all over the place. Being a small town in the middle of nowhere there wasn't anything to do so we'd "shoot the loop", which is just another way of saying we'd go cruising. That was BIG fun back in small town Illinois.

Amazingly, I got a ton of use out of that little Karmann Ghia, I drove it my senior year in high school and my first three years of college. Remember, that the car had no air conditioning or heat. In the winter I'd have to bundle up. I recall leaving to head back to the University of Iowa after Christmas break. Mom made me a thermos of cocoa for the trip and in addition to all my winter wear, I was wrapped up in a sleeping bag too, all squeezed into that little drafty car. The things you do when you're a poor college student.

I ran out of relevant pictures for this post,
but I found this nifty picture of a cat in a space suit! Ain't it neat?

The Ghia was always having problems, and despite this I still loved the car. At one point the starter motor went out for a second (or maybe third) time. I didn't have the money to get a rebuilt one to replace it, so I had to drive it without a starter motor... which you can do with a manual transmission car. What you have to do is, put the car in neutral, then push it to get it rolling. Once you've got a decent amount of speed, you jump in the car before it can stop, press down the clutch, slam the stick into 2nd gear and then let out the clutch. This will cause the engine to turn and consequently start. I drove this car for two semesters having to start it in this manner. I got good at it too. I started parking creatively, pointed down hills and such so I'd have an easy starting roll.

See what I mean? No more pictures.

My junior year at the University of Iowa was when I said good-bye to the Ghia. I was living in a house just off campus with five of my buddies (all of us crammed into a tiny house). Tom Grant, one of my roommates asked if I'd consider selling the Ghia. I thought about it, and said that I might. He said he didn't have much money but offered me $250 cash.

Sold!

And I made $50 more than my dad had paid for it. Ha take that!

Listing all the troubles I had with this car, you'd think that this would have put me off Volkswagen's - not at all. My next vehicle was a '77 VW Bus. And THAT was a hell of lot of fun to drive.... and "no", I didn't paint it camouflage.

Fun Factory!

2008-09-22T18:25:00.000-07:00

For the past six months I've been working on a job that never gives me any down-time, or so it seems. Add into the mix that it's been a supremely frustrating experience and that I work at home, and you can see why I get a little batty week after week. Well, this past week was lighter than most and consequently allowed for some free time over the weekend. So Emily and I decided to hit the beach, just to hang out and relax. We headed down to Redondo Beach and while walking around the pier we encountered this:

Watch it! That clown's gotta gun!

The Redondo Beach Fun Factory is an indoor arcade on the boardwalk, it looked like it might be good for some cheesy fun, after all the word "Fun" is in the name of the place. I mean, there's no way this place could be filled with creepy, frightening creatures that would give children nightmares. Wanna bet?

I remember these characters from the book of Revelations...

The "Fun Factory" was filled with all sorts of video games, carnival games, and lots of creepy characters who were no doubt at one time supposed to amuse and delight little children... Children of the Corn perhaps, but to any other kids?... these things had to be spontaneous diaper-fillers! The place had old arcade games, carnival games of chance there was even a Tilt-a-Whirl.

Teddy was hung by the neck to serve as a warning to kids
to keep heads and arms inside the ride, or suffer his same fate.

Emily did find one of her favorite all-time arcade games - Skeeball!

Just to keep things interesting, I'm rolling ripe avocados!

Emily's a shark at Skeeball and she racked up a lot of tickets. I was playing at the machine next to her and couldn't figure out why I wasn't able to come close to her score. Then I discovered that my machine was only giving me 7 balls, not 9 as promised. Skeeball bastards screwed me out my tickets!

Then we came across this-- one of the original "Pong" games. Man, this thing was a piece of ancient history, but it still worked.

Last time I played this, I had hair! Take THAT Wii!

After the excitement from this mish-mash of arcade amusement started to wear off, we looked around and noticed how truly unnerving some of the rides and games were. Like this clown seesaw.

Don't mind me, I'll just be starring at your crotch the whole time.

There was a really disturbing Donald Duck ride. Clearly it's meant to be Donald Duck, but it's been given a bizarre paint-job to probably off-set any legal actions from the Disney Company. But the end effect is one of a drugged out Donald just waiting to take your kids away on a magical journey.

Duuuuuude... I'm sorta' freakin' out here...

And then we came across one of the more unsettling items. A coin-operated puppet show filled with characters that looked like some macabre mortician's fetish cabinet.

For our next number... we eat the chipmunk!

Emily found a vending machine from her childhood and couldn't wait to give it a try. It was a Flintstones-themed machine that you put 25¢ in and get a plastic egg with a toy prize inside.

Fun is just a quarter away!

But a closer look at the machine's window and what it said was unsettling...

Translation: "Hey kids! These came outta' my butt!"

Okay... so dinosaurs laid eggs. I got no problem with that, but it was the female dinosaurs, NOT the males (as far as I know). So what are these "eggs", where are they coming from, and why isn't someone stopping it?

But Emily was braver than I and ventured forth into the steaming pile of Dino "eggs" and what did she find? A purple reindeer finger puppet! Who knew the Fun Factory would deliver such delights?!

Hey guys... I... I can't feel anything below my neck! Guys?!

Before we left the Fun Factory we had to stop at the prize counter, cash in our tickets and see what treasures we had won! Could it be one of two racially insensitive Native American statues?

Chief WoodenFeathers on the right is yours for 3000 tickets! Or $750 cash.

The prize counter had a confusing ticket vs. tokens exchange rate towards credits, so despite the 70 or so tickets Emily had won playing Skeeball, it only amounted to 5 credits and consequently left our choices limited. We got a lizard.

I could help you redo your floor, I am a repTILE after all.

After winning a rubber lizard and a purple reindeer finger puppet, we bade farewell to the Fun Factory and dragged our chairs to the beach to catch the last of the afternoon sun.

It was a gorgeous day at the beach. A little too cool to get in the water, but nice for just sitting in a beach chair and dozing. Very few people around. It was quiet and relaxing... until the seagulls showed up.

Moments before we were descended upon by about 50 hungry seagulls. Seriously.

Fortunately we did not have any food with us, otherwise the air strike of oceanic birds would have pecked us to death. They quickly moved on and left us alone. Secretly I think they were after Purple Reindeer, whom we were able to safely smuggle out of Redondo and to freedom in the San Fernando Valley. I'm sure he'll be writing a book about his harrowing experience very soon.

The Dal Rae

2008-08-27T17:51:00.001-07:00

Every month or two, some of my buddies and I have a "guy's night out", which means booze and steak and more booze. Our culinary outings have delved into some of the older dining establishments around the LA area. I guess a lot of folks would consider these places "old man" restaurants. They're not trendy or hip, but they are kitschy locations that used be called "supper clubs" back in the 50's. There are not many of them left, but the nice thing about dinner spots like these is good service and excellent food (generally). Our most recent outing had our meager group of meat-eaters headed into the bowels of Pico Rivera to the Dal Rae.

In case there's any doubt as to what goes on inside, the word "Restaurant" is plainly visible.

You can almost smell the pipe tobacco, vodka martinis and sheer manliness.

The place didn't look like much on the outside, but it clearly had that post-war atomic-age feel. Like most things in LA it was in a crappy area... but not too crappy... but sort of a "been there for a long-time" type of crappy as opposed to "there's gangs everywhere trying to kill us and oh God I hope we don't get pulled over by the cops because they'll beat anyone in this neighborhood" type of crappy. Los Angeles has a lot of layers to its crap, you just have to know which layer you're in--- and dress appropriately.

Wait a second... I feel like I'm in "Goodfellas"...
please don't go Joe Pesci on my ass!

It's cliché to say that walking through the door was like stepping back in time, but suck it up, cuz that's exactly what it was like. You could smell the steak and seafood being cooked in butter. The hostess, bartenders and wait staff were all adults, which was a refreshing change to see. There were NO disinterested 20-nothings slouching about, in positions of authority but unwilling to do anything, hating their jobs, not caring if they waited on us or not. For a change we were treated like customers, like a valuable part of this establishment's business and not a burden to emo-boy or attitude-girl who refuse to make eye-contact with anyone over thirty.

Aw, crap. I'm bitching like an old coot... that's better than cooting like an old bitch I guess.

The main dining room was large with wood paneling and big tuck n' roll leather booths. The room had just the right mood lighting under which to have a cocktail and discuss Sputnik, JFK, and the prospect of flying cars -- fueled by atomic power of course.

Hey why does THAT olive get its own pool?

The Dal Rae is one of those places where they bring you a chilled relish tray right off the bat and then take your "cocktail order". Seems a little hokey by today's standards I suppose... a dish of ice with veggies and pickled curiosities on top... but it was nice, and a tasty compliment to my before-dinner drink.

Ummmm... I guess I'll have the meat.

The wedge salad wasn't really a "wedge" nor did it appear to be much of a "salad". The carrot and tomato seemed like an afterthought at best.. in fact, the whole thing looked like Raymond Burr had attempted to eat a head of lettuce in two bites while on the run, and then in a fit of bile-spewing fury horked it all back up onto a chilled plate. BUT... despite its appearance, the salad (and especially the blue cheese dressing) were EXCELLENT!

And then the main course came...

You're looking a little crabby this evening.

The Dal Rae is a steak joint, it's known for its pepper steak. I ordered surf n' turf. A pepper steak fillet and crab legs. Well... truth be told, the Dal Rae screwed up my order and brought me a standard fillet rather than the pepper steak... but I didn't care. The meal was perfect! The steak was outstanding and the crab legs were beautiful... they even came split so I didn't have to fight to eat them. This was one of the BEST meals I've ever had. Not a HEALTHY meal at all. This was one of those artery-clogging gastronomical orgies your doctor warns you about. Throw in a couple of glasses of wine, and BAM - it doesn't get much better than this.

But wait... there's still dessert. What?... but I didn't save room! We couldn't leave without trying the Bananas Flambé.

Hey... wait a second... Flambé is just a sissy word for fire!

They came right to our table. Set up a little stove, dumped sugar, butter, bananas, and rum into a pan and set it on fire. Who knew a desert without chocolate could be so good?! There might have been some peaches or something else thrown in there as well. I was finishing all this off with a great glass of port. At this point I was the Dal Rae's bitch and loving all that she could dish out.

I can't wait to go back for more abuse.

CURSE YOU CUISINART!!!

2008-08-26T17:27:00.000-07:00

We have a little wine cellar where we keep our older, more expensive wines. You know, the ones you want to put in a safe place so that you can enjoy them as they get better with age. It's a way to protect your investment in over-priced grape juice.

We had a nice, but small collection of wines that we have been acquiring and saving to drink on future occasions: some beautiful '95 cabs, pinots, and some awesome blends... all just waiting to be popped open and enjoyed. Notice I used the word "had" at the start of this paragraph. Because this little guy that you see below...

You can trust me, honest!

...betrayed us. Oh sure, it promised to preserve our wine and keep it in peak drinking condition until that right moment when we were ready to grab a bottle, chase the raccoons and possums off the porch and fill our Dixie cups; guzzling the devil's sweat like back-alley Baptists at a pot-luck hog roast. But that was not to be. Oh no. The Cuisinart had plans of its own. Evil plans.

The other night I decided it was time to partake of one of the '95 Beauliu Rutherford Cabernet Sauvignon's I'd been saving for close to 10 years. I was confident that it was safely stored inside our little cellar. Reaching into the cellar, I expected to feel a nice cool 55º temp that the wine was to be stored at, instead I felt this:

Did you want that '97 meritage baked or broiled?

It was like an OVEN! That's not an exaggeration. The bottles were nearly as warm as a hot cup of coffee. One bottle even had the wine bubble out through the cork. I pulled all the bottles out, each one seemed hotter than the next. Needless to say all the wine was destroyed. We would have been better off sticking them in the cupboard instead of keeping them in this hellmouth. But we wanted the security of putting them someplace made to store wine... except, the Cuisinart did the OPPOSITE! It's like hiring a babysitter to watch your children, only when you return home after the movie you find out that she cooked and ate your kids--- and there's not even any leftovers. Damn!

Well, it looks like we're back to drinking ink until we can get more wine.

Conservatively I'd say that about $700 worth of wine was destroyed... possibly closer to a grand. Dunno what happened. The thermostat must have broke or something because the unit's not designed to go much over 65º. Probably an example of great Chinese craftsmanship at work.

Oh, there is a warranty. But it only covers repairs to the wine cellar, nothing for the contents. Like we're going get this easy-bake vino-roaster repaired. It's goin' in the trash with all the wine it ruined.

So sad... so very, very sad...

Cheetah Girls Premiere

2008-08-13T23:55:00.001-07:00

Oh man, it's been a loooooong time since I've posted to this blog. I've been busy with work (which is good), mostly battling French and Italian producers and broadcasters overseas on one (very frustrating) project that's taken up most of my days and nights, while at the same time writing another Care Bears feature film and a Care Bears DVD... but those are topics for posts yet to come. I dunno if one can actually digress before starting their topic, but I think I just did.

Anyway...

Emily, who works at Disney (my former employer) had tickets to the "world premiere" of The Cheetah Girls: One World which took place last night in Hollywood. To say I was less than thrilled at the prospect of attending this event would be an understatement - but it promised to be a big "Hollywood" type blow-out. Something that the Disney company rarely springs for and something that the Disney Channel never hosts - and THIS was a Disney Channel event. So it was a big deal that I had to check out.

The "Cheetahs", minus Raven.
Smirk to the camera if you just bought new boobies!

To be honest, I was not prepared for how big an event this was. After working for years at the Disney Studios as a writer and producer and experiencing cheaper, lamer, and more disappointing holiday parties and events, I was shocked to see the Disney Channel spring for a full-on Hollywood premiere like this. I guess it makes sense though, because right now the Disney Channel is king with their pre-teen and teen live-action TV movies, like High School Musical.

Just getting to the El Capitan theatre where the premiere was held was an ordeal for us. Both sides of Hollywood Boulevard were filled with tourists and fans with cameras trying to get a glimpse or picture of those who were exiting from the line of limos. We were not arriving in a limo, we had to park and walk.

It's a madhouse, a MADHOUSE!!! Soylent green is PEOPLE!

Waiting in line to get into the premiere, we were directly across from the Chinese Theatre where lotsa' people were watching... including a Marilyn look-alike, complete with air-blast rising skirt. I didn't ask where the "air" was coming from.

Marilyn moons Hollywood.

Our wait in line wasn't very long. Soon we had our "guest" badges and were strolling down the aqua/blue carpet - Disney couldn't spring for the Red Carpet, I guess that was not in the budget. It was wild walking past all the fans, reporters and paparazzi who at first looked at us expectantly, then frowned in disappointment once they realize that we were nobody. Similar to the looks I get when I go back to my High School reunions.

Emily, ready for her close-up.

As we headed into the theatre, we passed plenty of notables who were getting their pictures taken or signing autographs for fans.

Kim Kardashian... not in Cheetah girls, but working
that "I'm famous without trying" look.

In fact, ALL the Kardashian's were in attendance, even Bruce Jenner (not in the picture below) - whom I got a look at - and to say he looks creepy due to all his plastic surgery is like saying a soup sandwich is messy.

Quick! Take the picture while Bruce is busy reattaching his nose.

Once we got past all this craziness we pushed on into the theatre. Our tickets said we were in the balcony - Oh boy!

Row KK, seat 2, this must be a GREAT seat!

As it turned out, our seats were nearly all the way at the back, up near the ceiling. We were up where the pigeons roost.

Our view of the screen. We were in row "suck".

The movie was supposed to start at 6pm. We were seated just a little before 6. And then we sat... and sat... and waited... for the cast and crew to be seated on the main floor. We sat there for nearly an hour. But that wasn't so bad, at least they had music playing the whole time! Oh wait. It was bad. It was the just title music to the Cheetah Girls movie, played over and over and over in an excruciating loop of torture!

Darn, I just had my nails done! Now they're all waxy!

It was HELL being stuck listening to the same whiny, over-produced track repeatedly. Everyone around us was ready to kill each other just to end the misery. But at last it stopped. And then the real torture began, the movie started... and began with the same track of music we'd been tortured with for the last friggin' hour!

The Trailer for The Cheetah Girls: One World

The movie was pretty awful. Look, I know that I'm a crappy animation writer who's responsible for his share of horrible kid's stuff, so I'm not putting myself above any of this. I'm sure that the pre-teens will eat this up and love it - good for them! But the acting (of the three Cheetah girls) was horrid. All of the songs and the singers' voices were so over-produced and tonally modulated that each girl (and even the guys' who sang) sounded exactly alike. I mean exactly. It was nearly robotic. In the previous Cheetah Girls films Raven Symoné was the featured actor, and now I can see why. She was carrying the other girls, big time. This film really needed her. And the story?... um, what story? This had all the flash and depth of a car commercial. I know, I know... this coming from a guy who writes Care Bears movies.

The real stars of the film should have been these two:

Rupak Ginn and Deepti Daryanani

They were the best performers and most engaging characters in the film. Sadly, they weren't featured enough. Anyway, this post isn't meant to be a review of Disney's latest effort at doing what they do best, selling product - but for what it is, the film is wholesome, harmless, and forgettable.

After the film, we all walked one block to the Roosevelt Hotel for the after party. This is where things got good!

This is just a lot of sheet, you know that don't you?

Since the movie had taken place in India, the downstairs of the Roosevelt Hotel, lobby and all, was decked out to look as if we were in the heart of Mumbai... but without all the poverty, overcrowding, beggars, and unsettling aromas.

Dancers on the tables, makin' with the Hindi moves.

There was plenty of food and booze to be had-- and the food was actually good... and so was the booze. Since there were a lot of younger kids in attendance, the menu did not include much authentic Indian food, but there was plenty of mac n' cheese, chicken fingers, and fries. Who says Disney doesn't know their audience?

No, I said get your hand off my glass.

All in all, we really had a good time. I got to reconnect with some of the Disney people I hadn't seen in awhile and I got to meet some of the folks Emily works with at the Disney Channel.

We even got our picture taken with the cast... via green screen and Photoshop trickery.

Us on the left side... I'm the floating orb next to Emily.

NCT Phoenix & Roadside Oddities

2008-05-06T00:00:00.000-07:00

This past weekend I drove to Phoenix for the grand opening of the NCT Phoenix Improv Theatre - which is a sister theatre to the NCT Theatre that I perform with in San Diego. The NCT Phoenix is run by Dorian and Krissy Lenz who used to perform in San Diego, they are both originally from Phoenix. Why would anyone leave San Diego for Phoenix you may ask? Why give up the cool ocean breezes for sweltering urban sprawl surrounded by scorpion and cactus? HERE is the reason--- this little girl. She loves scorpions and thinks that they're crunchy and delicious.

You gonna eat that scorpion, or can I have it?

Dorian and Krissy moved back to Phoenix because they had a little Zoe and wanted to raise her where she could be with both sets of grandparents.

NCT and Improv have been a big part of both Dorian and Krissy's lives so when they made the move back to Phoenix they had hopes of opening up a theatre of their own. After a couple years of very hard work they were able to make it happen... so I made the trek east for their grand opening. Which meant six hours of this--

What I wouldn't give for some road-rage about now.

And lots and lots of this...

Dry heat? Wet heat? It's still HEAT! So shut up!

The drive from LA to Phoenix takes about 6 hours, and once you're out of LA traffic it's really not a bad drive. Just straight on through the desert. I arrived in the late afternoon, checked into my hotel and then headed over to the NCT Theatre.

Wow! Real neon! Actually it's a bug zapper.

Dorian and Krissy's theatre is quite nice, with plenty of room - there's even an extra space where they can run workshops and classes. The theatre space itself is great, and seats 99 comfortably, or 115 uncomfortably.

This "Grand Opening" was the official opening of the theatre, however they had done what's called a "soft opening" a few months earlier. This gave the improv performers a chance to get some shows under their belts before the big opening. While the group is still new, many of the performers have prior experience with improv or stand-up. In a little under a year, the Phoenix improv team has started with a strong foundation of players.

Why can't you just smile pretty and not make a face?

On Friday night - the first night of the grand opening - Dorian was short two players (one got called into work, the other got food poisoning) so I was able to jump in and play the shows. I had a blast!

Dorian in the "green room" getting ready for the show.

Dorian's favorite part of the night... counting the ticket money!

Hallway and main entrance to the theatre, all funky and designed by Krissy.

The show.

Thank God we said "paper" when they asked us "paper or plastic".

Me with Krissy. I used to think it was odd that she had
a Nightmare Before Christmas tattoo on her shoulder,
but that's nothing compared to the third arm growing out of her head.

The subject line for this entry includes "...& Roadside Oddities". And there were a few that I encountered on this trip. The most bizarre was in Phoenix at an outdoor mall. There were giant (like 15' tall) bronze rabbits around a fountain. I could find no plaque or sign explaining their presence, so I'll assume that they're evil.

Ooo, I smell carrots. Was that you?

While on the way back to LA I passed by a weird trailer park... I guess "weird" and "trailer park" are sort of redundant. But this was in Quarzsite Arizona. The only green plants were the orderly palm trees around all of the trailers. I guess it looks kind of nice. But considering that there really wasn't anything else around, this stuck out like a toothless Mormon trying to eat a coconut on the Mayflower.

Finally, we each have our own family tree!

At one of my gas stops I had to get a shot of this... the picture does not come close to giving you the scale, the size, the sheer immenseness... but this was one big-ass flag! It wasn't just huge! It was big-ass huge!

I dunno what it is, everyday I climb this pole and just feel so.. damn patriotic.

And then on both my drive out and back I passed by field after field of wind-powered generators. I'd seen pictures of them before, but it's really impressive when you drive through one of these "wind farms".

Are we flying yet? Holy crap! Where are the wings?!

GEEKWORLD!

2008-04-08T00:32:00.000-07:00

I admit I'm a geek. I'm not a sports guy, although I played some basketball and ran track in High School. I've never been a jock, so I guess I fall into the "theatre geek" category. I attend comic-con most summers, primarily out of curiosity and because it's an important "meet n' greet" landscape for the line of work that I do.

This past weekend was the first weekend of the Renaissance Faire in Erwindale, CA - just east of Pasadena. I've only been to one "Ren Faire" in my life, as had Emily, so we decided to check this out, figuring it would be a fun afternoon on a Saturday. Our friends Rob and Terri joined us... no, we did not dress up - I left my codpiece at home.

Emily, Rob, & Terri experiencing the wonders of the faire!
Rob was as giddy as a wee lass.

The faire ended up being a great time. At first we stuck out like lobsters at a rodeo, because most everyone at the faire was in some sort of costume, boddice, or covered in mud and straw - we weren't... well, not until the end of the day. Eventually more visitors like ourselves arrived, so we didn't feel quite so self-conscious.

There was plenty to see, do, eat, and spend money on. There were several stages of performers, some that were very impressive. Much of it was good n' bawdy, the way comedy was meant to be.

Ye have been warned.

The Poxy Boggards sing the praises of ale, women and hey-nonny-nonny.

The costumes people were wearing - and this is the majority of the folks walking around - were amazing and quiet elaborate. While snapping pictures of some of the more stately attired, I got to meet the Queen.

Off with my head!
Wait, no... that's not right.
Oh, God I'm a terrible monarch.

Ack--- cough... slow down, I swallowed a bug.

Medieval pole vaulters.

This army sucks!
There's no way I can kill someone with a trombone.

The court ladies farting guild.
Where the word "blunderbuss" was first coined.

Not real jousting.

Real jousting--- with Sting.

It was a relatively short, but full day of wandering around and observing the lengths at which people will go to for something they enjoy. The jousting was very impressive. Say what you want about the Ren folk, but guys on horseback, in full armor, speeding at each other with lances - even if they're made to break - takes some skill and nerve.

BIG HAPPENINGS!

2008-03-24T00:28:00.000-07:00

So I got married... but I'm getting ahead of myself.

Oh crap! I didn't realize I'd have to wear a dress for this!

Actually the pic above is me wearing Emily's bachelorette party veil-thingy. She thought it'd make for a "cute picture". So much for that theory.

A lot has happened in the past couple of months since my last post... I'll give a quick over-view and try to catch things up...

Like I said, I got married, back on February 22nd. So as the date approached there was a bachelor party that began at the Santa Anita Race track...

We may look like winners, but we smell like losers!

By the end of my bachelor party I was drinking wine with these two weirdos. And I thought there'd be strippers.

Prof. Johann and Dr. Varbles welcome you to
das cheez festival undt onion schmelt!

Next, I bought a funky hat for the wedding trip...

Gee, nobody would ever beat me up for wearing this.

Emily and I flew to Hawaii (the Island of Kaua'i)...

This shore is nice!

We had a BBQ on the beach with family and friends the day before the wedding...

My 6th Mai Tai and counting...

I put on a white suit and stared into the sun...

This suit is operating at 10,000 watts. Guess where I keep the batteries.

The ceremony began and included palm fronds, flowers, and smashing coconuts. Crazy Hawaiians

It looks like Tigger exploded... I'm not cleaning it up.

We exchanged vows...

So, once I've cracked all your knuckles, that means we're married?

And that was it... before we knew it... the wedding was over.

There's no chance any of this could attract bees, ya' think?

The next day a bunch of us went on a short hike up the Na Pali Coast...

We were forced to eat half the group just to stay alive.
The little boy was delicious!

Emily and I flew to the Big Island for a week-long honeymoon. It wasn't quite what we expected...

This must be what the Mars Rover felt like when it landed.

Lots of lava rock. Not the lush, tropical paradise we were expecting. It was still quite beautiful though... in a weird "driving through the desert from LA to Las Vegas" sorta' way.

So, we went to the other side of the Big Island and found more lava rock, but also TIKIS!

Peek-a-Boo, I put a curse on you!

We came back to the mainland. Both of us had colds for nearly 3 weeks. Stupid Tiki curse.

Once home, I got back to really important matters... like discovering how great the new Doctor Who is!

Season 4 is about to start, I can't wait! I'm a geek, so what?

I also got back to work on the project I've been working on that's an Italian/French/American co-production, and it's been nothing but impossible deadlines and ridiculously frustrating notes from the Europeans. So we just had to leave town and headed up to Big Bear for the weekend, and it snowed!

Think of it as a snow-cone, without the cone,
delivered at deliciously high velocity.
It's so yummy it'll hurt.

Since Emily's from Florida she didn't grow up with snow, so this was a big fun deal for her. For me it was cold, wet, and slushy (like my last physical)... but unlike my last physical, this was a good time with a lot less fingers pokin' in places that I didn't want.

Yes! I can withstand anything nature throws at me
so long as I have my blue butt-shield!

We even built a snowman...

So, um... can you tell that these are plugs?

Then this past weekend we planted a lime tree--- I'm tired of having to go to the store for limes to put in my Corona's and mai tais. Once this baby takes root, it'll be limes all the time!

Oh c'mon little tree, why the sour face?

And like everyone does on Easter Sunday we ended up at the Santa Anita Race Track... but this time I had my hat.

This ticket ain't even worth the $20 I paid for it... rotten losing horse.

So that's the hap on all that's been goin' on the past couple of months and the reason for my lack of updates. My late New Years resolution is to try to keep this post more current--- like once a week. But I make no guarantees.

Star Trek: The Tour

2008-01-21T23:38:00.000-08:00

Okay, so I'm a Star Trek geek. I'm a big fan of the classic '60's series. I'd heard that Star Trek: The Tour was going to begin its journey down in Long Beach. So, looking for something to do on Sunday, I suggested to Emily that we check it out - to say that she was "underwhelmed" at the prospect of being thrust into another "Comic Con" type of environment would be a gross understatement. But, being the trouper that she is, Emily agreed to indulge my geekiness and go where no woman has gone before.

Hey... this looks like some sort of marketing ploy... hmmm.

I grabbed tickets for us online, and they're not cheap, $35 per person. Wow! This must be something REALLY BIG that Star Trek fans are gonna love! After getting the tickets from Ticketmaster and paying all their "convenience fees" the total cost of two tickets was a little over 80 bucks.

Waiting with anticipation the wonders of Trek that we are about to behold!

We were given a designated arrival time - 10am (when the tour opens). So we were on the road early and made it down to Long Beach in plenty of time. We waited outside the door with the growing crowd. Emily noticed that her gender was well into the minority. Interestingly, we did not see anyone in costume.

Finally the doors opened and we were let in. Everyone poured inside. There were a few Star Trek props set up, most notably, a shooting model of the USS Enterprise from Star Trek: The Motion Picture.

Holy ship! I just had a warp-core breach in my pants!

I gotta admit, this was impressive. We geeks all filed in, looking upward at the gleaming hull of this icon of space fantasy... and then I noticed that we were not actually IN the exhibit yet. Looking ahead, we saw the entryway where several "uniformed" tour employees waited. We were in a holding area. No one had yet ventured into the actual exhibit. They were all beached by the siren song of ol' NCC-1701-A rotating just above their heads. The fools. I grabbed Emily and we headed for the entry gate.

Our tickets were scanned, and we moved into the exhibit hall. Not a soul was there. The place was wide-open and devoid of people. And then I turned to my right and saw---

The bridge of the original Enterprise! (Actual picture that I took!)

I was dumbfounded. Before me lay a nearly exact, full-sized replica of the Enterprise's bridge. And no one was seeing this but me and Emily. It was like walking face-first into a piece of history. I fumbled for my camera, but then the red doors of the turbo lift opened, and a uniformed gentlemen waved for me to come up and sit in Captain Kirk's chair. I nearly cried... okay, I did cry. But only a little.

By the time we'd found our way around to the turbo lift entrance and onto the bridge, people were starting to fill the exhibit hall. Once Emily and I were in our seats on the bridge, there was a long line of people queued up, wanting and waiting to be next.

The set-up was such that you (and your friends) position yourself on the bridge and the ST tour has a camera that takes a picture that you can purchase when you leave the exhibit. Since Emily and I were the first ones there, the camera and playback monitor weren't quite ready - so they had to take multiple shots. This took awhile, about 10 to 12 minutes. So I had plenty of time to sit and savor the look of the the bridge and press all the buttons I wanted. I'm sure that I depleted the ship's phaser banks and launched all the photon torpedoes in the armory. (Yes, I'm aware that you CAN'T do that from Kirk's chair, you have to use the navigation console... but it's MY fantasy so suck it up.)

Say hello to my little friend!

While trying to get the camera to work, the tour personnel took several pictures of me and Emily on the bridge - each time I tried a different Captain Kirk pose that had the other geeks waiting in line laughing... Emily was on her own, she just had to look pretty, damn-it! This was man stuff, I had no time to tell her how to pose! For the final picture I decided on combining Start Trek series sensibilities, given my chrome-dome similarity to Capt. Picard from Star Trek the Next Generation, I leaned forward and made with an "Engage!" command. The Trek geeks loved it. And that ended up being the picture we kept.

Mister Sulu, I want you to keep both hands in plain sight!

Finally, our time on the bridge was over. We got to see the picture on the monitor. Mr. Spock, Lt. Sulu, and Ensign Chekov had been digitally added to fill out the posts on the bridge. I was giddy, having lived out a childhood fantasy and sat on the bridge of the Enterprise. I couldn't wait to see what was next!

By now the exhibit was filling up with other trekkers, trekkies, and fellow sci-fi misfits. With great anticipation we headed off to see what else there was... but sadly, everything after this was a let down. Sure, there were several other classic Star Trek set ups, like the Guardian of Forever from City on the Edge of Forever.

Man, if I could just get a Krispy Kreme this size!... I'd need
a really BIG cup of coffee to go with it.

There was a transporter room set-up, but not from the classic series, where you could watch yourself get "beamed" off the ship....

Ensign!
Could you possibly find a baggier, more mismatched uniform to wear?!
No sir, I couldn't!

There was also a full-scale replica of the command bridge from Star Trek the Next Generation, but it wasn't something I could get too excited about... nor could my friend Rob who visited the Tour a few days after us.

Rob, napping, while Mike and John take command
of the Next Generation Bridge.

The exhibit hall was lined with several display cases, mostly of costumes. But honestly, there was not all that much stuff to see. I expected more authentic TV show and movie props, and less built "attractions" that were meant to draw you in to spend more money. Groan....

Scotty's uniform, and its date.

Some of the other "sets" they'd put together for the exhibit were this hallway.

Stop following me or I'm gonna tell the Captain!

There were a few motion-ride type simulators too - but nothing that I felt like I HAD to get on and try. After walking around for about another 20 minutes or so we had pretty much seen everything. The initial rush that I'd had sitting on the classic Enterprise bridge was gone.... what remained was.... disappointment.

The whole exhibit was poorly laid-out and people were just wandering around, not certain what they were supposed to be looking at or where to go next. It felt more like a badly run carnival rather than a tour through the history of Star Trek.

Why?!! WHY?!! WHY CAN'T THIS BE FUN?!!!

In the middle of the exhibit was a closed-off area with a queue. This looked like something big, so we got in line. But, we were told by the tour staff only to enter if we were ready to leave the event for good because, after watching whatever this was we were in line for, we wouldn't be allowed back in to the exhibit hall. This seemed awkward, especially since there were no signs telling us ANYTHING about what we were standing in line for. We gave the exhibit hall one last quick look around... there wasn't really anything else to see, so we stepped on into this "final exit event".

Sad to say, this last "event" was pretty bad. Perhaps I just wasn't in the mood at this point. It was a history lesson being taught by Wesley Crusher to new Star Fleet recruits (us) when (predictably) the Klingons (or someone) attacked... I really wasn't paying much attention at this point. Once it was over, we were shown the exit and spilled out into their Star Trek gift shop... a gift shop that really didn't have much to offer.... oh yeah, and there was a snack bar dressed up to look like the "Ten Forward Lounge" from Next Generation next to the gift shop. It was just burgers n' fries with Star Trek sounding names. Mmmm, a warp corndog and a phaser Philly cheese steak!

In the end, Star Trek The Tour was fairly lame, I'm sorry to say. I found the whole thing lacking in organization, style, and especially lacking in the number of authentic props, costumes, and items on display. I'd been to the Star Trek the Experience in Las Vegas, and even to a couple of Star Trek conventions and on all those occasions I felt like I had seen a hell of a lot more.

So we looked around for a few more minutes and picked up a copy of the picture that had been taken of us on the bridge... a 5 x 7 was $20. I figured that we'd come this far, might as well pick it up. And then, as we were leaving, I noticed someone walk right past me...

Armin Shimerman

He played the character of Quark, on Star Trek: Deep Space Nine. Armin was there to sign autographs and they were ushering him into the exhibit that we'd just left... and could not return to.

Armin as Quark
Make-up does wonders for his looks.

Deep Space Nine wasn't one of the incarnations of Star Trek that I'd watched - so I didn't feel like I was missing an opportunity by not getting his autograph. So as he passed by I waved and then kicked him. He's a little guy, it was easy. He screamed like a girl.

Okay-okay, just kidding. I didn't kick him or anything... but I was close enough to have done so if I'd wanted.

Emily and I left Star Trek: The Tour feeling underwhelmed and let down. Perhaps my initial rush at experiencing some time on the classic bridge had somehow set my expectations too high. But I don't think that was really the case. We were able to look around and see everything that was there in about an hour, and if you include the $15 they charged for parking, the whole "event" cost us about $125. Ugh...

Is Star Trek The Tour something I'd recommend that you check out? Eh... not really.

However, despite all my grousing about Star Trek The Tour, for me it was worth it just to sit on the bridge of the original Enterprise and dream about driving around the galaxy in THIS...

Mr. Sulu! WHAT did I say about your hands?!

THE NEW CAR!

2007-12-31T01:32:00.000-08:00

After weeks of waiting, the Ford dealer finally contacted Emily regarding the car she'd won. So Emily made an appointment to visit the Ford Dealer in Santa Monica. I went with her to see how all this was going to play out. And it ended up being a surprisingly great experience.

While it was actually a 2008 Ford Explorer that Emily had won on the Price is Right, she had the choice of picking any vehicle she wanted (off the base price of the the Explorer she'd won)--- all she had to do was pay whatever the difference might be. And so after looking over the Explorer (average city mileage of about 13 mpg) vs. a brand new Ford Escape Hybrid (average city mileage of 30mpg)--- it wasn't a tough choice for her to make. She picked the 2008 Escape Hybrid.

Oh, I'm sorry. Was I parking too loud?

Personally I'm not a fan of American built cars, particularly Fords. But, I do know that in general American trucks and SUVs are highly rated, particularly the Ford Explorer, and especially the Ford Escape Hybrid. And I gotta admit, this Escape is a great looking mid-sized SUV.

Stop looking at my rack.

Getting a hybrid had less to do with saving the environment and more to do with saving $$ on fuel. But being "green" while driving an SUV helps limit the guilt factor I suppose. The Escape that Emily picked - this is the first one she saw on the lot - is loaded to the teeth with extras: navigation system, power everything, cruise control, sunroof, satellite radio, seat warmers, VIP lounge and monkey containment center. Okay, not the lounge, but everything else... okay OKAY, no monkey containment center either.

Be honest. Does this bumper make my trunk look fat?

So far Emily is really happy with the Escape. I've driven it quite a bit and I have to say I'm a convert, it's a great drive, a sharp looking truck, seems to have plenty of power, and it gets killer mileage - it's averaging 32.5 mpg. Woo-HOO!

But it could really use a monkey containment center.

Curses!

A combative monkey can really mess up that new car smell.

Now I've got to convince Emily to go on Deal Or No Deal and go for the big bucks.

Emily on The Price Is Right!

2007-11-07T00:18:00.000-08:00

Lotsa' pictures on this post and a video at the end.
This may take a minute or two to load, so you might
want to get yerself a cup o' coffee or a snack or somethin'.

If you follow my blog, then you know that back on October 16th Emily and I went to a taping of "The Price Is Right", and Emily made it not only to contestants row, but she also won a car! We were told by CBS that her episode wouldn't air until November 27th... well, barely three weeks went by and on November 5th Emily got calls from people in Florida (she's from Orlando) who had seen her on the show. So it was a frantic rush to try and set a recorder to catch the episode. Which we were able to do.

CBS was tryin' to be sneaky and air the show without us knowing. No wonder the writers are on strike.

Emily in the lower left, "OhMyGodOhMyGodOhMyGod!"

Contestants Row, careful... they bite.

Emily bids on...

...an ugly bar set!

And wins!

Emily confuses Drew with a barrage of blather and double-talk.

But she gets to play for... A NEW CAR!

More blather, more double-talk, and now SCREAMING!

The "Hole In One" putting course.

Just put these in the right order of prices, lowest to highest...
(The products, not the girls.)

Emily checks with the audience... does a magical girlie dance...

...then makes her picks and Drew openly mocks her efforts.

She gets all the prices RIGHT! And putts right next to the hole!

It's an easy WIN!!!! She becomes airborne!

Okay, you can stop jumping around now. Really. You can stop.
Um... you're embarrassing me.

Emily won the 2008 Ford Explorer. After her win she got to spin the big wheel to see if she could get into the Final Showcase, but sadly that's when her luck changed. The wheel came loose from its mount and rolled across the set, injuring three camera men, and then it went into the audience where dozens of people were hurt and a woman later died... but it wasn't due to the wheel, she was hit by a bus on her way home from the taping.

Okay-okay... none of that happened. What really happened was Emily's wheel spin went over one dollar, disqualifying her from the Final Showcase. But if the wheel had come loose, that woulda' been cool.

Emily was jumping, hopping, and leaping about so much that she pulled a muscle in her neck/shoulder. She was actually relieved that she didn't win the wheel spin so she could sit down and relax. He neck hurt for a week, but that's a small price to pay for a new car. Unless of course you hurt your neck getting hit by a new car. In this case I think it was worth it though.

Anyway, here's the video of Emily's stint on The Price Is Right! So you can see for yourself.

SPOOKTACULAR!

2007-11-01T00:39:00.000-07:00

Smile if you've still got skin!

Holy crap do I love Halloween! Always have, ever since I was a wee-one. It's my favorite holiday. And every year around Halloween the improv troupe I perform with (The National Comedy Theatre, San Diego) does our "Spooktacular" shows. Actually, in years past, our "Spooktacular" shows were 90 minutes of pure suck. It was our worst show of the year. Oh sure, we'd carve a pumpkin and hang up a bendy cardboard skeleton or two... but the vibe of the whole thing was never quite right. So we began to fear and loathe our Halloween improv shows.

Well, about 5 years ago I decided to sort of take over the duties of "Spooktacular" and really dress it up. We needed to embrace the horror of the whole thing. So every year, I plan on about a 4 to 5 day ordeal, preparing the theatre for the shows.

First off, we cheese up the performance. The team dives into the campiness of doing "spooky" improv games, and everything is themed to go with Halloween, even down to our big "Spooktacular" show ending... complete with dramatic music, the team killed off one by one with arrow shots, and then fog filling the theatre as we all return to life as zombies and shamble off the stage to Thriller.

Quick! See if you can spot when I turn on the fog machine!
(For some reason this video is kinda jerky, especially at the end, don't know why.)

It's haunting hokum at its best, or worst, depending on how you feel about it all.

Once we started to embrace the Spooktacular show, it quickly became our most popular show of the year. We've had a couple of slow years... like this one, with all the fires burning in San Diego. But over all, it's a good night and a lot of fun. And a big part of what Spooktacular is, is haunting up the theatre.

The poor man's Time Tunnel. (Yeah, look up that reference.)

Our normal stage is basically a black-box, with a big, yellow border around it. Why a big yellow border? You got me, but it's there and it's square. So this year I decided to cover it up as best I could. Over the past 5 years I've picked up a lot of Halloween props and decorations to use, and each year I add new stuff. This year I bought more black material! Woo-hoo-- DRAPES!

Who said this was a bare bones production?

The idea is to make it all look as much like a haunted mansion type thing as possible, yet still be a space where improv actors can perform. On either side of the stage, there are raised platforms. On the stage right side there is a platform we use as an elevated stage to add levels to scenes. On stage left is another platform that is used primarily for storage. Both these platforms are great for dressing up. Stage left is where I put the graveyard. Below is the entrance to the graveyard, it's what audience members first see when they walk up the stairs into the theatre.

Um... everything seems to have teeth here. I am NOT okay with this.

This year there was a TV on the platform. It was being used for a sketch show. Since it was there I decided to implement it into the whole Spooktacular theme. And what better way, than with my big fat head!

So, that's what a real headstone looks like.

I video taped myself as just a floating head and put it on the TV. All the head did was look around at the audience before the show. The head looks around, glares at people, gets angry, even falls asleep. There's 45 minutes of this video, not a loop. Eh, I had a free evening to sit and stare into the camera. Actually, I did it really late at night, so when I fall asleep on camera, I really dozed for a few minutes.

The other platform is where Mr. Bones sits and watches the show. This year, however, I gave him a family.

Mr. Bones, the Wife and Kid hanging out at the theatre.

Once the theatre's all dressed up, all we do as add spooky music, light all the electric candles, lower the houselights and presto! Spooktacular is ready to begin.

I performed in 5 shows over Spooktacular weekend. Two on Friday, both of which went great. Then three shows on Saturday. The first show was the best, the second was full of drunks, but still fun, and then we did a Midnight long-form show, our "Midnight Spooktacular". That's a free-form long form improv show where we can swear and take more adult themes.

Who's hungry for ribs?

And then on Sunday, I had to tear it all down again and the theatre returned to normal.

Spooktacular 2007 was officially over.

I'll have to wait a year for the next Spooktacular... but even so, I always carry a little Spooktacular with me year round. Well, not literally. I guess I'm just kinda' creepy.

The Price Was Right!

2007-10-19T09:39:00.000-07:00

Tuesday was an interesting day...

Emily has always wanted to be on a game show and so she organized a skip day where we went to a taping of the New Price Is Right with Drew Carey. Our friends Rob and Terri also came along.

After arriving at the CBS studios downtown early in the morning, sitting around for a couple of hours, then getting processed, herded, interviewed, then herded some more, finally we were seated in the studio ready for the show to start. This was after nearly 5 hours.

Then the show began. It was lightning fast how quickly it all happened, and what occurred next was just a blur...

Emily was the FIRST named called out of the audience. She remained in "contestant's row" for two rounds, then on the third bid she won! A really, kinda' ugly bar set...

No wonder those stools are empty,
they'll get "fancy" all over you if you sit on them.

She went up on stage, met Drew, and played the putt-putt golf pricing game. She got all the prices right, and got to putt from about a foot away from the hole. And for that one foot she was Tiger Woods (I dunno any LPGA golfers to reference) and she made the hole, and won a 2008 Ford Explorer! The place went nuts.

I'm gonna drive over that bar and crush its fancy ass!

It was surreal.

She then moved onto the Big Wheel round, but ended up going out and not making it into the final showcase - which was fine, the Explorer was the best item to win that they had on the show.

The episode won't air until November 27th. I'll post more with images after it airs. But for now, it's still freaky and seems like it almost didn't happen.

But it did.

Oh, one last thing... before the show, while we were waiting to get herded into the studio, Emily and I were interviewed by 20/20 about The Price Is Right, Drew being the new host, etc.

Not sure when that will air, but I'm pretty certain that 20/20 will be showing clips of Emily jumping all over the stage when she won her car in addition to our interview.

I forgot to mention that Emily also won $500 for guessing all the prices correctly and won a year's supply of Oxyclean. Woo-hoo!

It was a good day.

20th Anniversary Party!

2007-09-20T00:16:00.000-07:00

First off, lemme say that I'm an idiot... a dolt... a globe spinner... a cabbage hurler of the first order! For some reason (that I can't explain) I took very few pictures at the Live on Tape party! I must have been more interested in interacting with the friends that I hadn't seen in years rather than rushing around to capture Kodak moments. So I guess my lack of digital recording was due to "honorable" reasons... but now I'm really wishing I had grabbed more pictures. Live and never learn I guess... oh well.

A few days before the party, on Friday, Sean Leary did a really nice write-up that ran in the local papers regarding LoT. This was a nice way to lead-in to prepping for the party. There were a couple of days of set-up drama making sure the projector was working properly...

Um... are you sure this plays DVDs?

...and then running around to pick up food and snacks. But it all went smoothly. Thanks especially to Jeff Adamson (manager of ComedySportz) for being a huge help in putting this together with me.

Overall I thought the little reunion was a great success! We were scheduled to open up at 7pm, but when Jim Loula arrived at 6pm (thinking that's when the party started)-- he got roped into helping me and Jeff Adamson set-up. That's what you get for being eager.

The party was held at the ComedySportz theatre in Rock Island IL.

It may look small in the front, but it's big in the back.
Just like most hearty Midwesterners.

About 40 or so people attended, pretty much the number I'd expected - I'd hoped for more, but you don't always get what you want.

Aw CRAP! Looks like we're gonna miss the party.

There were those who had moved away, had job or family commitments - they were missed. All in all it was still a good turn out with most of the important faces present.

Where oh where, has all the hair gone?...
Janos "Arnie" Horvath, Tom "E.J." Hart, and Don "Clive" Abbott
Actually Don still has ALL his hair (damn him) he just shaved
his head for the party so that he'd fit in... or maybe he's mocking us.

Scott "Bongo" Hoyt and Merlin "Zippy" Nelson

Brandon "Ron Dyne" Lovested and Don "I'll have my hair back in a week" Abbott

Monta "Many Characters" Ponsetto
Jeff Adamson lurks in the back, drinking and plotting...
"Vun day, zee vorld vill be mein!"

Barb "Paula Sanders" Engstrom

Nosey, kickin' back with a brew.

Most, not all, of the cast from Live on Tape - today.
Back Row - Nosey, Tom Hart, Janos Horvath, Brandon Lovested,
Don Abbott, Pat Flaherty, Jim Loula, Scott Hoyt
Front Row - Lora Adams, Patti Flaherty, Barb Engstrom
Monta Ponsetto, and Merlin Nelson Jr.
(Scott Tunnicliff, not pictured, was also present!)

My plan was not to sit and watch old Live on Tape episodes, but to have clips running and then everyone mingling -- however, the nearly two hours of clips I'd prepared kept everyone watching, and thankfully laughing.

Jim Loula, Jennifer Horvath, Janos Horvath, and Lou Naab... not
laughing when this was taken, but they were later, honest!

And that was a wonderful surprise, seeing that (after all these years) what we had done back in the late 80's still made people laugh. It was great. I ran clips, we mingled, we watched bloopers, we drank, we ate, we caught up - it was exactly what I had wanted, and hopefully everyone else had as much fun as I did.

Thanks to everyone, not just the cast members and those who'd contributed to Live on Tape, but also to the friends and family who were there- thanks for making it a great time.

Behind

2007-09-13T23:30:00.000-07:00

I've been woefully behind in keeping up this blog. Over a month has passed since I left my tale of frustration regarding the ever-smiling Care Bears and my attempt to see the movie I wrote... ah, but I've been busy - and aren't we all? For the past several weeks I've been preparing for a modest Live on Tape reunion that will be taking place this Sunday in Rock Island, Illinois. From 7pm to 10pm at The Speak Easy (aka ComedySportz) there will be a little gathering with former cast members, friends, and any fans who might show up. I'm not expecting a big crowd, perhaps 25 to 30 people... mostly it's just a chance to reconnect, visit with old friends, and watch some clips from the show.

Why the hell did we wait 20 years to do this?

So, for the occasion I've cut together a clip reel comprised from all the episodes of Live on Tape. It's taken me weeks to complete, and now I have it done! - nearly two hours of clips and bits from the show. No skit or clip runs past 3 minutes and most them are (thankfully) under a minute - that's the beauty of modern video editing, you can rework, reedit, and rethink. Some of the old skits were painfully long, but no more! I've trimmed, cut, and hacked them down.

Once this was a fine animal with lotsa' extra parts.
Well, I cut 'er down to just the tasty bits!

I went through all the shows (over sixty episodes) and picked not necessarily the best moments, but moments that were memorable or stood out to me.

Um... this is a lotta crap, you know that, right?

I also tried to find clips that featured some of the people who might be attending the Live on Tape gathering. What I ended up with was a good cross-section of what Live on Tape was, and something that represents the spirit of what we did 20 years ago. Eh, I'm not trying to make it sound like any great thing (it wasn't) but a lot of sweat and innocent love went into putting the show together. It's nice to look back upon it now.

My goal with the party is NOT to have everyone sit around and just watch old clips or episodes...

Oh no... not another episode!

...but to have the video up and running while people wander in and out, catching a few moments here and there as they mingle and converse.

So that's been my plan for this very inauspicious 20 year "reunion". Well, now I'm here, back in the Quad Cities - I flew into Chicago and drove to Moline late tonight. I'm looking forward to Sunday and seeing people I have not seen in a long while. I also have a sense of impending "closure".

I've waited a long time for this...

Now maybe I can put it all to rest and leave Live on Tape as part of my history. It's hard to let go of the most fun I've ever had, however time does march on.

Aw, who am I kidding? I'll continue to update the Live on Tape website n' blog... I'll never let go completely.

Oopsy Does It!

2007-08-14T23:13:00.000-07:00

(Okay, a bit of a long wordy post here... with pictures. May take a little while to load. Sorry.)

About a year ago, as I was just finishing up at Disney on Kim Possible, I got a call from my agent to see if I was available to "punch up" a script. I was reluctant since I was really looking forward to having some down-time to work on some of my own projects -- but it's hard to turn down work. So I took the meeting.

The script was for a new Care Bears movie and SD Entertainment (who was producing the film) wanted me to do a general punch up on the story. Trouble is, I don't generally write for the pre-school age group and I knew nothing about the Care Bears other than that their plush forms are in toy stores and their ever-smiling mugs are on everything from greeting cards to bed sheets.

The Care Bears as plush, blankets, bedding and kickin' it Broadway style!
Too much sweetness... can't go on... must look away...

So, I read the script, and I have to say that it was... um...

Ach! Heinrich this trip has been a flaming success!

...in need of a lot of work.

I'm by no means a great writer, but from what I could tell it needed more than a "punch-up". There was no time to start over with it, so I had about a week to rework the entire thing, however I had to keep their original story. So I scrambled through a draft as fast as I could, and despite my lack of knowledge with the Care Bears and their world (I got their genders all messed up -- yes, Care Bears do have different genders - don't think about that too much though) SD and American Greetings (who owns the Care Bears) were happy with my draft. So it moved forward and on into production. That was a year ago.

Flash forward to August 4th - the Care Bears film "Oopys Does it" is released in selected theatres across the US. Well, any chance to see something you've written on the big screen is an event, so Emily and I picked a Saturday to see it.

Oh, if it were only that easy...

As I said, Care Bears was playing in only select theatres. So we had to sniff it out and see where it was playing. And the closest location to me was out in Rancho Cucamonga (about a 50 mile drive from my house in the Valley). It was showing at 10:30 in morning, so we got to the theatre at about 10am.

There were plenty of kids and their parents headed toward the theatre when we got there. Emily wanted to get a picture of me next to the poster for the movie. Trouble was... there was no poster for Care Bears outside the theatre... nor any mention of it on the marquee... not even any sort of sign or leaflet posted in the ticket booth!

When I inquired about Care Bears to the person in the ticket booth, they knew nothing about it. Emily insisted that they'd advertised it the paper. So the booth person asked around and eventually came back and said that "yes" they were showing "Care Bears". I bought two tickets. And then Emily noticed a stack of post-card sized fliers tucked off to the side in the ticket booth and asked the booth person for a bunch of them. This person seemed utterly astonished to see the fliers, as if he'd never before seen bits of paper stacked in such a fashion. He gave us a two of them. I guess that constitutes "a bunch".

One of the fliers, nearly actual size.
Try to read my name in the
credits at the bottom, I dare you!

So everything seemed on track. We had our ticket... well, it was really more of a receipt. It even said so at the top. I should have suspected trouble when instead of a ticket you get something that looks like you'd find at the bottom of a grocery bag.

Hey, where's my double coupon discount?

So, with receipt in hand we headed into the lobby. I showed my "ticket" to the girl taking tickets and she seemed utterly baffled. "Care Bears? We're showing Care Bears?" She looked at me as if I'd just grown a third eye and winked at her. So before letting us in, she had to ask around to find out which theatre the movie was showing -- eventually we were told to go to theatre four. Whew!

Well, the tough part's over. All we have to do is get to our seats and watch the movie. And we had our pick of any seat we wanted, because theatre four was completely EMPTY!

Please sir. No standing in the aisle before the movie.

Even though we'd seen a steady stream of kids and their parents entering the theatre, none of them were coming to see Oopsy Does it. Which makes perfect sense considering that the theatre didn't seem to even know that they were showing the film themselves.

So we took the prime seats in the middle. A few minutes later, a young mother with her little boy came in and sat down. So now there were four of us!

The previews started. I was actually getting a little excited about seeing the completed film - and on the big screen no less! The previews weren't really what I would consider appropriate for a young, G Rated audience before a film with pre-school sensibilities... but they were all trailers I'd seen on TV. Oh well, the theatre must show the same trailers in each of their theatres... must be automated or so I figured.

And then... IT happened.

Why! WHY! WHYYYYYYYYYY!

What we all thought was just another movie trailer turned out to not be. It was the film Hot Rod and it was just starting. Within the first 30 seconds the words "ass" and "shit" tumbled out from the speakers, which prompted the mother to jump up, scramble to grab her little boy and get out of the theatre fast.

At this point I couldn't help but be amused at how incompetent this theatre had been, and I was pretty much ready to give up trying to see the movie. But Emily marched out into the lobby and she and the mother tracked down a manager. Apparently the theatre didn't realise anyone was there to see the Care Bears movie. But they agreed to stop Hot Rod, and start up Oopsy Does It.

And so... a few minutes later the movie began.

Look! I got top billing!

With the movie rolling finally, we settle in to watch it. Oopsy Does It is a 3-D CGI feature. It's not Pixar, but it looks really nice. MUCH better than I had anticipated. The animation is really good, the designs are bright and soft. Everything looks like cotton candy. The story gets a little wonky in a couple of spots, but overall it holds together fairly well as a sweet film for the little ones. It be a nice DVD gift for the holidays.

And then IT happened again! (okay, not the same "it" but a different "it).

In the middle of the movie, all the lights came on in the theatre. The movie kept rolling, but the lights remained on. This lasted for about 6 or 8 minutes, and then FWOMP, the lights suddenly went out again. Emily and I just shook our heads at how crappy this movie going experience has been.

Now I remember why I hate going to the theatre!

The movie ends. It was fun, despite all the difficulties, I really liked getting to see it on the screen. I wish there'd been an audience to see it with. The one little boy with his mother seemed to enjoy it. He did appear to get a little frightened when the villain, Grizzle captures a couple of the bears (Oopsy and Cheer). Which made me happy. Not that he was frightened, but that he a reaction to the film. Okay, maybe I was a little happy he was frightened, he probably deserved it.

After the movie there was time for a little Q & A with the audience.

Yes, you there in the green... you have your hand up.

No. I was just stretching. And DON'T POINT AT ME!

I let my production studio and American Greetings know how much trouble it'd been to try to watch the film. They were glad I was able to pass along the info, but not at all happy to hear about our experience.

I've got no pithy or clever way to end this post, so I'll just throw in a plug for what I'm currently working on:

I continue to story edit and write on the 2-D animated Care Bears series that will be on CBS this fall.

2-D Care Bears

And then after this I've been contracted to write another 3-D Care Bears feature. But this time I won't be heading out to Rancho Cucamonga to see it when it's completed.

Comiconsequences and Batman Belts

2007-08-06T23:20:00.000-07:00

Comicon sucks. There, I said it. But having said it, that doesn't mean that I don't enjoy Comicon (at least on some level). It just happens to be a rushed, crowded, sweaty, and frustrating ordeal each July.

Me and a biiiiiiig comic fan, who paved
a path for me into the con.

Every year a couple hundred thousand people from all over the world descend on San Diego for this uber-geek-fest of pop media. And I have to admit I get swept up in all the "gee-whiz, wow, that is so cool", vibe as much as anyone.

Is this the line to the bathroom?

I am NOT a comic book aficionado. Not even close. I'm ashamed to admit that I have a barely functioning knowledge of comics. Oh, I know the major comic characters, and I'm a huge fan of anything Alan Moore's written. But I'm soooooo out of the loop, especially in this - the super bowl of comic book information and memorabilia. I have to say, it's just overwhelming, and more than one day on the trade floor and I reach information overload.

I don't care if you ARE a Sith-Lord, use the Force to learn some hygiene.

Working in the animation world requires that I keep a functioning knowledge of what's going on in this industry. Comicon is not just about comic books, it's about art, animation, movies, TV shows, novels, posters, video games, toys, and anything else that can be attached to a broadcast or print property - especially if it's sci-fi, superhero, or horror. If it's in print, on TV, or in the movies it's probably represented here in some fashion.

I need to get back into reading comics, there's some really cool stuff happening, and I'm way out of the loop. It's just that it takes a $30 to $50 a week commitment to stay even moderately current buying what comes out each week.

My earliest geek connection to all this stuff had to be the old campy Batman TV series with Adam West. I wasn't even in grade-school yet, but it was one of my favorite TV shows. And my most prized possession at that time was my very own Batman Utility Belt.

Kid's love guns & bats, why not both together?!

Even as a kid, it always bothered me that my Batbelt came with a pistol (dart gun, if I recall) - because Batman never carried a gun. At the time this toy came out (1966 or so) it cost about $5. Me being just a little tyke and unable to understand the cost of things, a Batbelt became a unit of cash in my mind. I would ask my Dad how much certain things cost and he'd tell me, "that's about three batman belts" or whatever was appropriate. So this was my earliest recollection of learning the "value" of something.

But if I'd really learned anything about "value" I would have saved my damn Batbelt... the picture above is from a recent toy auction where that sucker sold for over 8 grand! That's more than 1,600 Batman belts.

As I grew older I discovered comic books. At the time - the early to mid 70's - I latched onto some of the basic characters: Batman (of course), Spiderman, The Fantastic Four, and Superman, and many one-shot forgettable wannabe superheroes who never lasted.

But Batman remained my overall favorite. I guess what I liked was that Batman was a superhero who had no "super" abilities, other than his above-normal physical strength, his great agility, and his superb detective reasoning. The dark cape and creepy bat cowl didn't hurt either I suppose.

Fortunately I never saw THIS issue of Detective Comics. I'm pretty sure it would have turned me away from the Kilted-Crusader once and for all. I found this image online... and it just sends chills through my bones at how bad this looks.

Quick Robin, to the Haggis mobile...
And stop looking at my baterang!

And so that is was my start with comic books. Then I fell out of touch with them, but then around 1986 it was Alan Moore and Frank Miller who drew me back in, with Moore's Watchmen and Millers' re-imagining of Batman in The Dark Knight Returns.

Oh man is this some good stuff here!
Blood & lightning, how can you go wrong?

And understand, that all my comic references are painfully pedestrian to anyone who really reads comics. I was, and am, just a "tourist". However from the 80's on I would drift in and out of the comic book world. Much like I was drifting in and out of booths and panels at Comicon.

Wandering around the Convention Center at Comicon is somewhat daunting, especially since so much of what I see I have no connection with - but would really like to. There's just too much. So after awhile I just end up looking around, not at anything specific, but at this mass of geek-oid humanity. It's pretty amazing that so many people find the same stuff interesting and that it strikes such a passionate chord for some. Not unlike how die-hard sports fans are I suppose. The Comicon people are fascinating. There's all types, all shapes, all sizes, all temperaments, and a lot of them have time to come up with very impressive costumes.

And as you walk along the convention floor you never know who (or what) you'll see...

Holy crap! It's Henry Rollins!...

...and over there its... Joss Whedon!

Mr. Whedon, will you sign my lightsaber?
Um... sure, but I think you're confusing Firefly with Star--
SIGN MY LIGHTSABER!!
Please don't hurt me...

I also run into plenty of people that I've worked with to like my buddy Zack Sherman

All systems are "go" for stupidity!
(Zack made me wear the helmet for the picture.)

Zack's cool, not just because he has a hairline that no human male should be allowed to have, but he also worked at ILM on all the new Star Wars films doing effects, and he wrote and published his own graphic novel Seal Team 7.

And if that wasn't enough, Zack's also directly related to this guy:

Gen. Tecumseh Sherman.
Careful, he bites.

Zack and I first met in the early 90's while we were both working our "survival jobs". We were employed at Electronic Boutique in the Sherman Oaks Fashion Square mall. Wait a second... the Sherman Oaks mall... Zack Sherman....? hmmm, that's fishy.

The first time we ever hung out was to eat coconuts and watch "Enter the Dragon". Seriously.

I LOVE COCONUTS!!!!

There are also plenty of panels and screenings to attend at the Con... it's just difficult to get into most of them due to the crowds. I was able to get into the Henson Company panel where they performed a little of their Puppet Up improv show. It's a live stage show where the performers improv skits with puppets. It's great!

Lisa and Brian Henson, looking far more
serious than they really were. Or maybe they
were just in a meeting with Tecumseh.
Better check for bite marks.

And there's plenty of movie stuff to run into as well, like the Mark I suit from the upcoming Ironman movie.

Geez, I really need to get this thing ironed.

Comicon is after all one huge trade-show. With publishers, broadcasters, artist, and writers all exchanging info and collectors grabbing up their dogeared prizes or MIB toys that they can cherish. As for me? I was just glad I got to pester one unsuspecting costumed character...

Yo! Pikachu, check my cool coconut Kung Fu fighting moves!

And then next year, the madness all starts again.

Zladco Vladcik

2007-08-01T16:00:00.000-07:00

MOLVANIA DISQUALIFIED FROM EUROVISION!

The tiny Eastern European republic of Molvania was disqualified from the Eurovision Song Contest this year. Zladko “Zlad” Vladcik was to perform his very popular techno-ballad, “Elektronik – Supersonik” - described as “a melodic fusion combining hot disco rhythms with cold war rhetoric”. However, the 23-year-old singer was arrested at Istanbul’s Ataturk International Airport and immediately deported. While Eurovision does not normally test for recreational drugs, unfortunately for Vladcik, Turkish Customs do. On his return, “Zlad” apologised to everyone in Molvania for letting them down.

"ZLAD" A SHORT HISTORY

Zladko “Zlad” Vladcik rose to prominence in 2002 when he won Molvanian Idol in controversial circumstances - the other finalist, Ob Kuklop, pulled out due to a serious throat condition after one of the judges tried to strangle him. “Zlad” immediately released the megahit, “Juust Az I Amm” – hailed by Rolling Stone as the most incorrectly spelt song of all time. After barely 2 days on the Molvanian “Rhythm & Polka” charts, the track went platinum – remarkable considering it was only available on cassingle. Then, in an exciting move, “Zlad” formed supergroup Wow! But while on their very first tour, he decided to go solo again, citing the fact that the rest of the band was “moving in a different direction” (Romania).

Okay, maybe I'm a little late hearing about this guy, but here's the real info:

Zladko "Zlad!" Vladcik is a fictional character created by Australian comedian Santo Cilauro and is the unofficial mascot of the equally fictional nation of Molvanîa.

Even if this is all faked, a la "Borat", it's still pretty funny. And not too far off from a lot of videos from the 80's.